True Self

In order to become consciously aware that I was lost, it took meeting dead ends, where I became extremely uncomfortable with nowhere else to turn. I had to surrender, stop running, stop resisting, to accept that something had to give, to change…or stay stuck in my confusion & misery. My life experiences were opportunities to learn and make better choices. Some people need the pain to wake them up and I was one of them. We try to run away, to escape, to cope by distraction, avoiding, abusing food, substances, compulsive spending, sex, excessive gaming, gambling, working, traveling…cluttering our lives to find relief. Not wanting to face our fears, unresolved grief, traumas. It eventually catches up to us, health crises, hitting rock bottom, chaos & drama in our lives which sends us to our knees….blessings in disguise, either we wake up or not, we get to choose, we always have a choice.

Having children heightened my awareness and that’s when I fully realized that maybe I needed to re-examine my attitudes and beliefs because based on how it was to be a parent, I recognized that the way I grew up was not the healthiest. I had a responsibility to my children to be the best I could to provide a nurturing environment for them. I began to simplify my life to have more time to devote to parenting. My priorities shifted. I began to value the preciousness of life through the eyes of my children, everything became new again, adventures in the firsts of childhood, joy in the simple things. Magic was possible again.

I had a purpose as a mother and knew the joy of unconditional love and my needs and wants were honed down to the basics due to the demands of motherhood, life became streamlined. Yet I still had issues with other relationships and remained lost in turmoil and could not figure out how to maintain a level of peace and happiness.

A health scare… something I ignored and should have been aware of caused me to stop everything, to really see that I needed to do something and fast. If I went on like this I would not be there for my children. I asked, “If this is all there is…if this is what life is supposed to be, if this is the extent of my happiness then please help me to accept it and be at peace.”

I simplified even further, cut back my work hours, ended friendships, relationships that were weighing me down. I had to have firm boundaries on what degree of negativity I allowed in my life. This required discernment, so I educated myself, reading books, practicing activities prescribed, affirmations, visualizations, spending time in quiet, in solitude, in nature. Writing in a journal, getting in touch with my thoughts, feelings, discovering what was important to me. I opened myself to new ideas, ways of seeing life, attempted to find a higher meaning, to embrace a bigger picture. I began exercising, yoga, weights, running, and doing walking meditations. Changed my diet. I began taking care of myself and began seeing myself as I saw my children, someone worthy of everything no matter what. I began being loving of myself. And a miracle happened…I found me. And an added unexpected bonus…I found spirituality, the oneness, the connection that was blocked by my human pain, fear, and self-loathing. I was released, free and I forgave.

I had an unexpected experience that showed me my true self…the energy that animates all that is. The closest description of what I experienced in a dream one night has been detailed by those with near-death experiences. The true nature of reality was revealed to me briefly which is also our true selves the oneness of everything, our divinity, and inherent brilliance and worthiness. It was more real than anything I have experienced here and can not be described justly in words. It was pure, brilliant, warm, all-encompassing love, light, bliss, everything wonderful you have ever felt in your life, amplified and magnified exponentially into infinity, our true home. After this I saw the world through different eyes, I had shifted, made some kind of leap in consciousness. I now saw the universe through loving eyes and wondered how I ever became so lost. How I could ever believe what I was shown. I really forgave myself and everyone then (though I’d thought I’d already forgiven). I saw that everything was happening for me no matter how it seems here in the physical… the spiritual, which could see everything from that omnipotent view saw how beautifully everything was working for the expansion of love. Like how we see things more clearly in hindsight…spirit sees everything and when we listen to that logical heart within us, it brings us closer to what we are wanting. Trusting when things are dodgy though is challenging to say the least.

I saw everyone as inherently beautiful and could see that we are all doing our best and are all worthy of all of our loving desires, that what was beneficial for one helps us all for we are all connected in this energy of love.

I began reading even more on spirituality, self-help, relationships, personal development, intuition, reincarnation, dreams, physics, health, nutrition, alternative therapies, religion, sociology, philosophy, the law of attraction, etc. until satiated. All the while I practiced my thoughts, being mindful, and making new habits. I became adept at shifting my thoughts when they ran astray, when fearful thoughts started I learned to shift my focus. Why choose fear when it is not productive? Yes, some fears are valid, like.. run from that tiger! But most are just thoughts I have conditioned myself into thinking. And the thoughts I keep thinking become what I base my life on. So it seemed logical for me to think thoughts that were aligned with truth, with my heart, with love. I also began living in the now, enjoying & appreciating what was right in front of me, being grateful.

It doesn’t happen overnight….how to make lasting changes? How to know what to change? How to create lasting satisfaction and joyful bliss? The secret is within…by choosing what I focus on.

I have the power to change my experience of life, by choosing my responses, what I allow into my immediate experience, and how I handle those experiences that I have less control over….how to be loving of myself by being true to me?

My true self speaks to me in a language we are not taught about in school…how to tune into this voice more readily? Effectively using emotional guidance helps, but one must allow the emotions to be recognized and validated and then act, which requires practice. Next week I will discuss what’s worked for me.