Getting Honest With Yourself

Once we get quiet, become mindful and connect with our true selves we are confronted with fears, unhealed traumas, intrusive thoughts we have been trying to run away from. In the past we would deny, try to hurry up and feel better or numb ourselves, distract ourselves, project it away, or bury it deep. It can seem hopeless, overwhelming,  the emptiness hollowed out by pain. Becoming unforgiving, angry, helpless, powerless against what we have experienced and identifying with the harsh cruelties we encounter or have knowledge of in our environment. It hurts. It is natural to have strong, fearful emotions about injustices, abuse & atrocities. Yet to have these fearful emotions on a routine basis is paralyzing, exhausting and self defeating. Yet if we ignore them they control us through unconscious fear. What to do?

Past traumas can condition us into feeling unworthy, shameful & guilty. We learn to judge, criticize, complain and condemn, often being our own worst critics. We develop negative beliefs about ourselves and the world which become automatic and triggered by various things associated with original wounding events. The pain lies in the subconscious.  We don’t allow ourselves to admit we are grieving and are unaware of being triggered by associated events surrounding unhealed traumas. We rob ourselves of the joy we could be having. We separate, limit & isolate ourselves or live superficially, trying to avoid hurt, but feeling empty because by holding ourselves apart the love can not flow.

When we have painful experiences it can throw us into despair which will linger if we do not get honest and take care of ourselves. Our negative beliefs create an imbalance which we are often unable to identify because of habitual patterns of ineffective coping. To become conscious of the part  we are playing in perpetuating this pain, we have to be honest about the ways we our defeating ourselves. It becomes difficult to see any other way, we believe that we and the world are flawed, that this is how it is, with no hope of improvement. It becomes a cycle we perpetuate by lying to ourselves and believing lies we have been conditioned with. Self fulfilling prophecies abound. We become stuck, unable to see a different and better way. We become separated from the truth of love. We perpetuate fears of attack and also attack ourselves. Believing the lie that we are out of control, fighting a hopeless battle, inherently flawed and unworthy. We go around in circles, with an addiction to drama. Pointing out what we fear, then making it our excuse for why we are the way we are, blaming, rationalizing why things aren’t working when we are at cause by not being honest and owning that we are the only ones who can change our lives.

What am I responsible for? What can I change? How do I cultivate the most joy in my life? How do I heal and deal with my fears? Honesty is a requirement for lasting joy and peace. Acknowledging that we are the ones creating drama by our refusal to face the truth about ourselves. That we are responsible for facing our pain and healing ourselves by forgiving so we may be free to love. To allow for the possibility that there may be a different way of thinking which will change our lives. To be honest and admit that our thoughts , feelings, actions, what we are being within ourselves is what determines the quality of our lives. We alone have the power to set ourselves free by being honest about the truth of who we really are. Who are we? We are what we believe we are. Wouldn’t it make sense to believe in the most loving, positive aspects of life and appreciate and focus our energy on flowing the highest love by loving ourselves so we may extend this to others for we are all connected in the oneness of love. Love is who we are, the energy that allows for everything, we are that. Beautiful, pure, brilliant, all encompassing love which can never be destroyed, infinite and eternal. just look around at all the beauty, what do you feel when you see children playing and laughing. This is the truth. Our physical lives are temporary. What is lasting in our experiences here? When painful experiences happen it is a chance to change. It shines a light on ways that are not loving and need to be healed, forgiven.  To be honest is to love ourselves by thinking, feeling, doing and being what is loving of ourselves. Honesty is when thought, feeling, word, action and being all line up, there are no opposing  thoughts, feelings, words, actions. We are fully honest when we are being love.

Honestly, who do I think I am? What do I tell myself about me? In an average day I tell myself some distressing things. Are they really true? Am I really disgusting and lazy and fat? Am I old and ugly? Am I  doing everything wrong? Am I not enough? Are people out to get me?  Are these negative thoughts helping me?  Are they true? Would I say these things about my loved ones? Who am I really? I was once a wee little baby who was beautiful, precious and worthy….am I now not worthy as an adult? Get really honest. Dig deep. What really matters. Well what matters for me is to love and be loved. I believe this is what we all desire. Pure love. Kindness, support, joy and passion in creating beautiful experiences and serving one another, sharing our lives in bliss, peace, harmony. Am I thinking, feeling, doing and being these things which promote love? Am I including myself in the ones I love? Do I take care of me lovingly. Do I revere and cherish me? Or do I sabotage because deep down I feel unworthy and this can’t be true, good things never happen for me, I’m just gonna mess everything up, I don’t wanna be responsible so I will let drama decide, I will lie when convenient, to avoid conflict, so they think I’m who they want me to be, manipulate people/situations, let the chips fall where they may, then I won’t be the one to blame, let drama/fear decide,or  live by default. Do I sacrifice myself, do I people please, pretend I’m something I’m not, or do things I don’t want to then become resentful then the truth comes out along with chaos?  So messy….well it doesn’t have to be. Trying to control externals like what anyone else is or isn’t doing or the world is being is pointless. All I can directly change/control is me…what I think about,what I feel, what I do…loving myself and living a life that is loving of me, that’s where I have the most power.

Honestly who do I think I am? I am here just like everyone else, what makes me any different? We are all the same in spirit, of the same energy, inhabiting human bodies. Isn’t it sensible to take responsibility and change my beliefs so that I am loving of me and everyone else?  The more I take care of me and line up with no opposing thoughts, feelings and action, then the love that I am may flow freely…the channels are not blocked by fear/opposition. I am love, we are all love, we have only built barriers along the way. Those who have caused us pain are only products of the pain they have experienced and would do better if they knew better. Honestly, most people want the same things, but have been challenged and sidetracked by negative beliefs and patterns perpetuating what they have become accustomed to. Forgiveness sets us free and we can then break free from these barriers to love. We can be fortified and overflowing with love from within, if only we stay centered and focused as best we can. And when this happens our external lives begin to match this love in our experiences, life gets better and better.

So what to do when I am triggered and how do I change my negative thought patterns? And the biggie, how to heal and forgive? First I have to admit that I am struggling. Then allow myself to feel these painful feelings, to grieve, to release this locked away pain. Then get help if it’s too much. seek out a therapist or a trusted friend, talk it out or journal it out, to get clarity, to examine what unresolved issues lie beneath these negative patterns. Then it’s time to decide what to let go of to forgive. Instead of resisting and saying this should not be and fighting against all that we perceive as wrong to accept that there is gonna be stuff that I don’t want, but feeling bad about it all the time is serving no one. Shifting to appreciating everything that is working and is loving, feeling good, so I can propel and flow with love. Knowing that I can not see the big picture from my limited physical view. That there is a reason bad things happen to help shine a light on what is not working so we learn what does work and share this with others. It is a way to break through the barriers to love. Making the unconscious fears conscious, to release them in forgiveness until all that’s left is love.

For example, as a child I was an opera singer and I was in competitions. Well one time I lost this competition and my vocal coach and parents were very angry and upset with me saying I didn’t win because I was lazy and didn’t practice enough, that I should be ashamed of myself and how terrible I was, how spoiled, and unappreciative, a brat, etc.  It was very traumatic for me. Looking back I see clearly now that I was not terrible, lazy, etc. If I could have been honest with myself, believing my inner loving knowing, the timeless, infinite part of me,  instead of believing the external world, my internal  guidance would have known that I was not terrible. If we can trust and believe that we are inherently worthy and deserving,  that we are love & loved, no matter what this physical world shows us. We will not succumb to these fearful beliefs thrust upon us. So as an adult I have had to become aware of my anxieties and negative beliefs about myself and had to change my thinking. I have had to forgive realizing that people are not conscious of what they are perpetuating and that I myself am perpetuating fear, by my thoughts that are unloving. Our behaviors may be unhealthy, but that does not mean a person is unworthy or unlovable. We are all of the same energy/love/spirit and have equal internal access to love. I have to remind myself of the truth. We are love, we are one,  we are learning as we grow, how to release all the barriers to love. Everyone is doing what they know how to do from their level of awareness. To be continuously angry with them and to condemn them or myself  is not gonna serve me or anyone else. The answer is constant forgiveness, of myself and others, to be generous, gentle, kind, compassionate.  That does not mean I allow myself to be abused, but I can remove myself from unloving situations and go where the love is or help people change through their relation with me to see a different way by my example and I from their example. To work with one another in unity and oneness. We are all in this together and none of us is excluded from love. We can believe in love or fear. Honestly, only love is real and lasting.

Some days I hurt. I become suspicious and afraid that the past will repeat itself or become fearful of the future. I overwhelm myself with thoughts, worries about people lying to me, thinking this isn’t fair, what am I doing wrong, afraid I am falling short, am I doing the right thing, how am I gonna pay for everything, wanting to be rescued, wanting to escape, feeling frustrated, asking why choose this when I know the bliss of non physical reality,….spiraling out of control until I feel powerless, hopeless, defeated.  The reality is, if I am honest with myself….wow…look how far I’ve come, nothing is attacking me right now but my thoughts/fears. If I look at right now in the moment I see that my life has become everything I envisioned…it was just a tricky way of achieving it and I have learned quite a lot along the way and really, I am spoiled! I have so much love in my life, health, beautiful surroundings, beautiful family, friends and coworkers, clients. What am I doing wallowing, well because there are some things I am still healing and I am still creating and growing and it’s okay. As long as I balance and let go on a regular basis, of the thoughts, feelings and actions which do not serve me, it’s all good. I surrender to love and know that I can not control everything and feeling bad all the time isn’t helping. So I keep practicing whatever works. And I stay connected to my inner truth so I do not get entangled in the lies of fearful negative beliefs. It is a constant, to flow with change I have to be centered in the truth and reality of love which is within me. My power lies within. And remembering the truth, that it is all temporary and that if I let go, love now, keep forgiving, it’s done already. We are safe and we are home, no matter how it appears <3

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Michelle Miyagi
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