Fighting With Myself

I want love, joy, bliss, ease, peace, harmony, freedom, creativity, passion and full expression of the highest love possible in my experience. Do I have this at every moment? Ummmm….truth…a big resounding NO 🙂  Why not? Why can’t I have heaven on earth? I have experienced heaven in my dream state which trumped this waking reality in every way…in fact that expansive pure, loving, infinite oneness was more “real” than anything I have yet to experience. I was home for an instant, a kiss of pure bliss. Why can’t I have that all of the time in my experience here? Is it even possible? It seems if I was able to experience it at all, that it should be attainable in a lasting way, that it is only a matter of my state/level of consciousness? Why can’t I recreate this bliss in a waking state on a more permanent basis?

In my past I have been in a more loving, expansive, positive way of being. These days not so much? Why can’t I “poof” be where I want to be? I get frustrated with myself because I have these emotional responses and thoughts which I know do not promote this loving expansive oneness? I react to negative stimulus and don’t like feeling angry and sad. Then I get frustrated because all I want is to be love and I allow myself to believe in less than love. I guess I beat myself up for being human, and at the same time, I know that it can’t be helped? Heh…I feel defeated. Am I a victim of my own humanness?

That is when I surrender, I am not defeated, not possible 🙂 Yet I can surrender to the not being where I wanna, the not knowing what to do. I can allow myself to just be however I am at any given moment, to sit with my human self, to admit that I am where I am and that will do. I surrender to however life shows up and let go of having heaven here in my reality. To be okay with being human. To make the best of everything now,  I have to be here now, accept where I am and appreciate everything I am graced with now. I am here for a reason, I may not know all the answers and I may be feeling like a big asshole and oh well 🙂 It never lasts. The next moment I will be cheered by something simple and beautiful, like the buck moths I saw in abundance flittering in the sunlight, hovering above my bright green backyard, beneath the stately oaks yesterday… and my victimhood falls away for the time being and suddenly all’s well (until the spring when those moths are stinging caterpillars, such is this world, huh?)

So yeah, I get frustrated and angry and stop believing, get lost in the muck, stuck in the mud from time to time. I have to remind myself that it’s okay. I don’t have to be/feel/display all bright, shiny perfect love all of the time. And there’s nothing wrong with me when I get frustrated, when things aren’t how I want them to be, when life falls short of what’s most loving…I can surrender, retreat into the truth…that all’s well no matter what life shows me here. That place I experienced ever so briefly is within and without me in the grand reality and nothing I experience here can ever change this. It really is all good, so I can feel safe no matter what and I can rest assured that love is and always will be and I am inseparable from this all abiding love. I know this because it was shown to me in that dreaming instant of waking up from this dream. Love is my true home and always will be, so I’ve/we’ve got this. I forgive myself and everyone else for being human by us forgetting that there’s nothing to fear, only love is real.

Everything that I am reacting to is from fear. My fear or someone else’s fear. Yet to be here is to dance with fear, so I surrender and accept that I will be dealing with fear while here. The trick is to recognize fear and be honest about my fear so I can see clearly where I need to grow in love, by releasing, transforming, seeing past the fear. Funny thing is… when fearful, hurtful things happen, we want to run away, put them behind us as quickly as possible or even deny them. And also we believe that these fearful experiences are what we can expect, that this is the truth now. And by our belief in these fearful things we unwittingly perpetuate fearful experiences. And by not facing the pain, working through it, healing, and transforming, we leave it buried in the subconscious or unconscious to resurface again and again. Or behave in hurtful ways in unconscious reaction to our painful experiences.

All I really want is to be free to love in all ways possible. Is there any safe way to do this here? How can I protect my heart? Can I be working towards more of heaven on earth? If so what would that entail?

Being conscious of what I am being, to be self aware, honest and taking responsibility for myself by having the courage to work through my fears through whatever means available. So I will become more  flowing instead of fighting, through whatever life throws at me, it’s okay. To love and accept myself anyway, to surrender to love and forgive anything less than love, because ultimately it all works out in the end. To believe in the indestructible loving oneness that is us all, that we are always safe, home and loved beyond measure for eternity…no matter how it seems here. By choosing to remember this truth when I feel like an asshole, yes grasshopper, heh 🙂 got that pebble yet? Sigh 🙂 To remember there is no right or wrong way, we all get there in the end…faster, bumpier, or smoother, easier, the high road, low road, long winding road… well we do get some say so in that. So I am forgiving myself and everyone else for our collective human assholedness. Yes, I said it 😛

A safe way? A way where I will never feel hurt or pain? Is there anyone living who has been free from pain? It seems that pain is a way of transformation, that sometimes this is a way to break through barriers? I know that I have needed these wake up calls, and discovered that I was at cause for the painful experiences through my avoidance? So a safer way would be a mindful way. To be honest, reflect, go within, be true to self, loving self is a safer way. Truth is the safest way. Love is the safest way. Gotta love myself even when I fight with myself. So what if I am disrespected, not appreciated, I can respect and appreciate myself. No one can destroy the truth of what I am of what we are. Be at peace. Release that fear. It always gets better. My power resides in peace, love and unity. I don’t need to fight myself or anyone else, but when I do, it’s okay. As long as I am making love a habit, that pebble is mine, home free. Yes grasshopper, only love is real.

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Michelle Miyagi
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