Spiritual Straddling, Oneness, Physicality, Illusion, Holographic Universe, Moral Relativism and there’s no such thing as death

Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh my! I’m late, I’m late….tick-tock….down the rabbit hole we go 🙂 What a tangled web we weave and so on and so forth, heh.  I get overwhelmed. I sometimes can’t get a grip on which way to be, where to turn, what to depend upon, what to base my day-to-day upon. I get confused on what exactly I am doing, being and here for. I lose my way amidst all of the structures and layers of life, relationships, practical basic needs, goals, dreams, meeting all of the requirements, and how to focus my energy. Especially when it comes to being the change I wish to see in the world.

I get hung up on trying to see things in a holistic way to keep my full being open to all that is and making the most loving choices. I try to find reason and logic, making educated decisions while also listening to my intuition and deep innermost heart. My heart breaks when I can not be everything I had hoped for or accomplish what I feel is my responsibility. And I wonder why I am here playing these games when it seems it would be easier to give up and not care about anything? When people suffer and I  am helpless to make things the way I prefer them to be, the way that appears on the surface to be most loving for everyone 🙂

I feel like I am wedged between the physical and spiritual, it gets rather messy in my head and heart, I straddle with one foot in the practical, physical, fearful and the other in the loving oneness where love is the only reality. It seems that some live in entirely different worlds than I do and it is difficult to relate and I can not make sense of what they are about. My brain short circuits trying to figure out what exactly is going on because all I see is made-up stuff, and often self-perpetuating, non-productive, damaging conundrums. Which I, myself also engage in. What am I missing? I get frustrated and have to give up on trying to understand because it is incomprehensible to me, defying logic. I am caught up in the thick of it as well, so how do I prioritize my being when I am subject to my own subconsciousness and unconsciousness? And how does the collective impact me? If we are one, where do I begin and end? What fears are valid? Don’t I need to protect this body and my heart? Or can I really rise above it all and believe the world I am wanting into reality. With me being solely the creator of my experience?

Throughout my youth, I could not see the world that the adults painted for me. My heart told me differently, my knowing told me otherwise. I was shocked and puzzled by some of the things that were accepted and viewed as funny. For example how a five-year-old child was hung by his feet and spanked by his father for skipping kindergarten because instead he went to a neighbor’s house and played. The story had become a favorite, passed down through the generations, they would describe how big his eyes got and how loudly he cried when spanked for being naughty. I’d laugh at the story along with the other kids because it was told as something funny? Yet inside I thought about how little the boy was and he was only having fun and really didn’t know anything better at that age…I was frightened and felt sorry that he was so harshly treated. As an adult it is even more appalling to me because I have raised children and have never laid a hand on them, it is not logical, my heart knows.

Another story that haunts me is how a father made a seven-year-old child carry a tool all day, could not put it down even to use the bathroom…as punishment for not putting it away. At such a young age, not developmentally able to be that aware yet, so inappropriate. Yet that child as an adult views that as the correct way to be, to teach lessons in such a way. An attitude of…”I turned out fine, it worked, right?” Not questioning and thereby perpetuating the same mentality. Or I have heard, ” I had it this way, I survived so why should I do anything differently, no one helped me.”  Or something that flabbergasts me. Parent reprimands child, “I told you no hitting!”  Then the parent hits the child…what? So what I define as abusiveness is par for the course and acceptable in other’s views. Is it moral relativism? Who gets to decide what is acceptable or not? How can I be sure my perspective is untainted by social conditioning. How can I know what is the most loving way to be?

After all, I have to protect this physical body right? I have to stand up for myself when abused, right? But what about love and spirit and oneness and the fact that this is all temporary anyway and therefore illusory, some say holographic, as within, so without. Am I creating my reality? Or is this a collective effort because energetically everything is connected and in spirit, we are one love in the eternal indestructible reality. Why participate in this physical duality?  If I came from the eternal which is pure bliss why would I choose to have this human experience where my heart pains me? Where I often feel at a loss and powerless because I am in this body and can not consistently keep the view that all is well always and ignore or let go of what I feel and see…that I want perfect joy always for everyone, but this is not how it works here. We have everything here and I have to choose as best I can and keep going when some days it feels more merciful to just go back home already? Do I really have to learn these lessons, is my passion for creating that paramount, is the benefit of being here worth it? When I get back home does this all seem like a fun dream, like when I am asleep here and dream? I know it’s not real so it’s okay? Is this that I am living, the dream?

We are eternal spirits so logically this really is like a dream because it is not lasting, these bodies and this world are impermanent. But it is real while I am here and I have to be invested if I want to have an optimal experience. Why does it have to be so challenging though? I have been unable to become okay with what I witness as abuse. Yet I realize that I will be ineffective in being loving and productive if I stay grieving all the time. I have to find methods to keep my spirit grounded, yet peaceful, loving, and helpful. Forgiveness and boundaries have been the only lasting solutions I have found. And to let go of things I can not directly control. And to retain a sense of wonder, gratitude, and appreciation for all of the kaleidoscopic abundance and diversity here. To embrace and find sustenance in the beauty, the kindness, compassion, and love that I also witness and to focus on that. To choose to see and expect more love. This helps.

So what of moral relativism? Do I live and let live? Where to draw the lines? Who gets to decide? Do we allow societal norms to dictate the status quo or do we speak up and disturb the peace so to speak? Rock the boat or not? What’s important enough to take a stand for? If this is all temporary why not just look out for numero uno, Yolo, me, me, me! Why even care about anything else except what is directly in front of me, right here, right now. Sex, drugs, rock, and roll like 🙂 Hedonism to the hilt, one thrill after another, live fast die young 🙂 Or monkey see monkey do? Follow in my ancestor’s footsteps, they survived, it must work, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Unconsciously inflicting the same fear and pain for generations, layer upon layer, like the onion peel, while simultaneously removing layer by layer, lotus blooms, healing through loving, sharing, learning, evolving… fear/love, masculine/feminine, matriarchal/patriarchal, god/goddess, heaven/hell, good/evil, duality, light/dark, yin/yang, positive/negative, the ouroboros, the vortex of creation, Pandora’s box, Adam and Eve. Metaphors, myths, religions, archetypes, philosophies, cliches, words of wisdom…Confucious say, whirling dervishes, namaste 😛

Is it reasonable to want a shift towards more love, harmony, oneness, and bliss? Or am I just lost in the illusion, why bother 🙂 Do conformity and egocentricity lead to an extraordinary and profoundly rewarding life? Hmmmm. Is there a universal moral truth that we can depend on to allow the highest nurturance for all to flourish? And if this is all a dream, maybe we need not live in fear and can allow everything, being free to love, because in truth we never really die? We can breathe easily, embracing our experience knowing when it’s game over we awaken from the dream realizing we are not the avatar but the eternal gamer.

Who gets to decide?

I say we all have an internal compass that speaks to us, telling us unequivocally the most loving way. Our life experiences condition us into vetoing that deep, inner guidance. Our logical hearts get lost in the mire of duality/physicality. Fear becomes the decision-maker and moral relativism becomes the fallback defense. Because we have been subjected to fearful others, we believe in a hostile world where we are frail and under attack and must protect ourselves at all costs. The pain being too harsh to face, we rationalize, minimalize, justify, deny. Those children subjected to abuse know that what happened is not loving, yet to face that their caretakers might not be all-knowing, capable, and loving is even more painful and scary. To be alone and rejected by their sole support is not an alternative, so denial and coping mechanisms for survival arise. Excuses are made, self-blame, I must be bad and I deserved it, etc. They are right, I am wrong. Guilt. Shame.Victimhood. Anger, resentment, brewing in the background and carried, seething, until fully brought to light, healed, forgiven. A processing and cycling, does it ever end? Coping as best we can while our logical hearts whisper to us the truth…we feel it as unease, we know it as…something’s missing…we say it as…is this all? Is this as good as it gets? We act it as… walking on eggshells, hypervigilant or exploding,…emotionally triggered, regressing and rageful. Ineffective coping manifested in a full spectrum of varying degrees of personality disturbances.  Somewhere deep within, home by way of the logical heart guides us to the truth if we actively choose and practice listening, scary as it may be at first 🙂 face our demons we must.

Isn’t there a better way? Who gets to decide?

What’s right for one person is wrong for another because we are all different…but at our cores are we really that different? Is there possibly a universal thread that weaves and unites all?  And isn’t it reasonable that this fabric has a loving code that induces the optimal experience for all? What is the most loving choice? “Well, that depends”  is the usual response… and down the rabbit hole we go.

Today I am listening by allowing myself to just be. To tell me there is no rush to accomplish it all, to allow that a little willingness is enough. To open my eyes, heart, soul, and being able to hear, by being still for a bit, so my inner thread of knowing can be heard. To love and approve of myself anyway despite my lack of faith and awareness through challenging times. To take care of myself, love me, be responsible for my level of joy so that I may be overflowing with vitality, extending this to all and serving my purpose. Resting and relaxing. Sleeping enough. Meditating. Exercising. Eating vegan raw. Restoring myself so I can be fully engaged and aware. To allow life to flow. Balancing. And I will be more available and resourceful. Burning myself out helps nothing. I know this, yet, oops I did it again. Deciding to love self is always the answer. Deciding to love away all of the dark, angsty parts. I get to decide what is loving of myself and I proceed from there. I decide by listening to my universe within as best I can. I keep loving and practicing everything that allows me to love myself and extend this love to others by filling me up with love until it overflows.

Love decides.

Yesterday I got to attend my daughter’s bowling match, it was lovely. I was so lost in trying to work, work, work, work to keep things as I thought would be most loving and in the process, the most important things were sacrificed, like time to enjoy the children I was desperately trying to take care of. I think my presence and enjoyment together as a family is more important because they grow up all too quickly. I let go and decided that if it is important for life to be maintained in a certain manner for my family, then it will happen without me sacrificing my health and our joyful time together. I stopped and listened for a change instead of having something more drastic happen. I don’t want anymore wake up calls if I can help it 🙂 Right now I am hopeful and energized, rabbit hole be damned, heh 🙂