Why not buy that Pumpkin Coffee?

Decisions…Two years ago, I noticed Pumpkin coffee everywhere…it smelled delicious. There were free samples, and I liked it, but it was pricey and I didn’t buy it. I told myself I would wait until it went on sale at the end of the season. I talked myself out of it… what if I don’t drink it? I don’t really need it; I am just succumbing to consumerism, being tricked into wanting it. I need to save money, have to limit myself. It would be just for me. No one else in my family drinks coffee. I can’t justify buying it right now. It went on sale, still didn’t get it…would pick it up and put it back. Yesterday, there it was, yummy Pumpkin coffee on sale, 30 % off. I picked it up and talked myself out of it again. I haven’t been drinking coffee except a few times since Jan 1. Why backslide now? What if this brand tastes yucky? We can’t afford it… etc…..”Scarcity, lack” mindset and “I’m not deserving” mindset.

A thing I did splurge on was a vegan king cake. The thing is… it tasted like cardboard and smelled like Elmer’s glue. I tried to eat it because what a waste, right? But I decided to love myself and scattered it in my backyard to let the worms & crawly things feast instead. It makes me feel better somehow if I know something is enjoying it, even if I couldn’t. I call this the “What about the starving children in the world?” mindset when food doesn’t get eaten, and it feels so wasteful. But I can’t be the one to eat it all, not healthy for me, so I have achieved a balance realizing that it is saner to throw some things out. And I also have the “This could come in handy someday” mindset, packrat much? heh. Or, I could upcycle this one day when I have time, really? Or maybe the kids will use this for one of their projects. Reuse, recycle, waste not, want not. Which is a good practice, but not when it becomes a hindrance. When I gain weight trying not to waste food, or force myself to eat things I really don’t like just so they won’t be wasted…isn’t this self-abuse? Or when things pile up and clutter, things I haven’t needed for years, collecting dust and every time I see the storage area I have pangs of…”I need to clean that out” yet never quite finish the job because it’s overwhelming and things get tossed aside in a pile to deal with later. Stuff hanging over me. I tell myself, relax, you’ll get to it eventually 🙂

I also have had difficulties with responsible, ethical consumerism…trying to buy the things that are least harmful to the environment, cruelty-free, organic and healthy, etc….it became a chore though, there was too much information to sift through and I realized it became more of a hindrance, disturbing my peace and taking too much of my time & energy, sucking the joy out of me. So I had to decide what to let go of and come to a happy medium. Some things I would try to do my best to make wise, healthy choices without too much research, etc, and then other times I would follow my intuition and free myself up.

So why not buy that Pumpkin coffee? There is no good reason not to buy it. Why not, really… why do I have such anxiety about these small splurges? Shouldn’t I be enjoying my life? Is it really gonna be such a big impact on anything if I spend a few extra dollars once on something that is a treat for only me? Why agonize over such a little thing?

I am working on freeing myself up again. To consistently practice an abundance mindset again. I had it going on a few years back, really magnificently…it’s how I got to where I am today. Somehow, though, when going through challenging times, fear sets in again and I go back to default mode, regress into ways I used to be, ineffective ways of coping. When things happen that break you open and you have to process, grieve, make sense of everything again and reconfigure your world, you kind of go on autopilot for a while and it’s also difficult not to take things personally. To not let it affect your sense of worth. When unloving things happen it’s hard to keep loving yourself…sometimes you think you must be doing something wrong and maybe don’t deserve to be happy and live the life of your dreams. You believe that you have to hold on to what you have, be frugal and fearful because life can be unpredictable and you have to protect yourself. Save it for later, make the most of what you have because people aren’t looking out for you really, or else why would they behave in such hurtful, mindless ways? Going into autopilot and employing previous protective mechanisms isn’t all bad. Actually, it’s helped me to survive during painful times, to keep going, to comfort myself. I fall back on what’s gotten me through before. Kind of like children, when learning new skills, there is typically a regression in behavior, then a leap in capabilities. I believe we do this throughout our lives.

I’ve noticed that I have gotten better and better at coping. Each painful, challenging growth process I break through more fears, broaden my view, and actually am becoming more adept at navigating. Learning more of what to hang onto and what to let go of…and especially how to listen to my logical heart and live from this all-knowing space within me. And the more fears I shed through these growth experiences, the more I can see and the more I am free to love. And that means I absolutely must buy that Pumpkin coffee if I am to live fearlessly and love myself. Such a simple thing. I must live in alignment with what I am wanting to create in my life.

Denying myself that Pumpkin coffee is not in alignment with love and abundance. What if though, I indulged in everything I wanted? Well, that wouldn’t be loving now, would it…if I ate donuts and french fries, downing it with Pinot Grigio, Pumpkin coffee, and finishing off with some clove cigarettes, heh. So I use common sense blended with what many call “woo woo” stuff. I say whatever works… if it helps me live a loving, joyful, productive life, then I am gonna practice what works. Yes, I am human and have to keep crawling back into the saddle. Every day I give it my best shot and if I am all too human, I forgive myself and if others are all too human, I forgive them as well and continue working on being loving of myself and others, what else is there to do? I can make better choices by focusing on what I want instead of what I’m afraid of.

What’s so scary about buying a little bit of pumpkin coffee? What am I wanting in life? I am deserving and I have enough money to get the damn coffee 🙂 These little things add up. These habitual thoughts based on lack and fear do the opposite of what I want. What to do when I have regressed to fear, penny-pinching mode.

I have to regroup. This means setting aside time for me to reconnect with myself, time for rest, solitude, simplicity, and quiet. To access that peaceful, loving, centered state of being. Then I practice pampering myself, treating myself the way I would treat someone who needs some TLC. And I can then refocus on practicing more loving, productive, empowering thoughts, feelings, and actions. Get back to my healthy habits 🙂 Baby steps if need be. Sometimes we need to heal up, give ourselves time and space to just be. To get back in tune with the frequency of love and to hear the logical heart, and create from there. We create our best reality from this loving conduit.

Life is not linear. It’s a wild ride if you’re doing it right 😉  So tomorrow I’m saying giddy-up, gleefully sipping on some piping hot Pumpkin coffee, and saying, YES! to the reality of my dreams. I want freedom, truth, love, abundance, joy, peace for us all, which begins with me. Yay! I’m getting Pumpkin coffee! 😀