Relationships On Auto Repeat

The Logical Heart Knows Best

How much is our life experience, personality, way of being, behavior based on nature vs nurture? Do we come already programmed with a predetermined path based on our biology? Are we born knowing what to do, hard-wired so that we can’t help how we respond, how we think, how we process life? Does what we are taught or how we are socialized and treated really affect us? Or can we be independent and outside the influence of the world? How much are we programmed and conditioned by our life experiences, especially during childhood?

When a child, don’t we believe what we are shown? We think that how we are treated and viewed by our family is the way it is…this becomes reality for us and we believe this is how the world is. We accept that whatever environment we grow up in is how life is. That is until we grow up and move away and discover other perspectives on our own. But by then we have already been conditioned and shaped by our childhood years, often in unconscious ways. And now there is subconscious programming to contend with.

If we had a healthy, nurturing childhood, then no biggie. But really…from what I’ve seen, this is not the norm. From what I can gather, there is rampant codependency and we are all programmed to a large extent and unaware that the drama in our lives is being recreated again and again by ourselves. We are at cause because unbeknownst to us; we are on auto-repeat. We are drawn into the familiar. Like attracts like. We have unresolved patterns which have been unhealed within us because we have not become consciously aware of them yet. We as children developed coping/defense mechanisms that helped us survive as dependent children, but as adults, these survival tactics perpetuate dysfunction.

So we are drawn to the same personalities as the ones we grew up with and react, respond in the same manner, because it’s what we know. It’s what we learned and we believe that’s just how it is. And perhaps we are trying to make it right. We repeat the same relationship dynamics to get another chance to change or heal the pattern somehow, to make it better, or to figure it out, like a jigsaw puzzle. Make it beautiful and whole, healed. Maybe if I can try again and again, I can make it fit and be wonderful like I wish it could be. Because we love everyone, even if they aren’t really healthy for us, we still love because that’s how we are wired. We love those we rely on to nurture us through childhood. So we learn to associate abuse with love, perhaps?

Possibly addicted to familiar drama, associating abuse with love, or we are trying to resolve these issues through repetition, or both? I see some situations where it seems like obvious self-sabotage like the person becomes afraid and creates drama to avoid the responsibility of a healthier, more loving life… or maybe it’s so foreign that one rushes back to the familiar, it feels safer somehow? Or maybe the guilt and shame take over. The person feels unworthy and undeserving of good, happiness, wonderfulness?

You know how we always wonder why people stay in abusive relationships? I hear so many exclaim how they would be outta there in a heartbeat, like a person who is being abused is a stupid idiot. Well, it is not so simple and under certain circumstances, most people can fall under the spell of brainwashing, manipulation, fear, and control tactics which can be so subtle over time a person becomes used to and even believes that it is normal and okay. How can we explain the atrocities that have occurred in history? Don’t kid yourselves, we can all be manipulated and controlled, more than we want to admit.

But history does not have to repeat itself, does it?

Raising awareness, educating oneself and confronting the truth, and making changes are ways to stop the repetition. But how can we see something is wrong when we believe that is all there is? Or we are afraid to do what it takes to change the situation. It’s too daunting. What wakes us up? What finally gives us the courage to brave the unknown?

In my experience, it usually takes drastic measures. Wake-up calls, misery, dark nights of the soul, reaching the end of your rope or hitting rock bottom, or something so loving and amazing that it opens your eyes to other perspectives and alternatives. Or you find an outside reason to get healthy, like for your children, to make everything better for them. Or someone shows you with their loving example, a better way. There has to be an opening, a surrendering, a way for something different to be realized. The space has to be made, a shedding of what isn’t working. The lies are uprooted, revealing the truth, so healthy, loving ways can change the channel, break the pattern.

So what if it takes many attempts. Is it better to stay stuck in misery? Is it really better to stay in compromising situations? To make excuses and resign yourself to the hand you’re dealt? Or do you keep making changes for the better, even if it means starting over again and again? I would rather know I am not settling. I would rather listen to my inner calling, honor my truth and deepest feelings… they do not lie and keep making the changes which my soul requires of me to match the grace that flows abundantly when I heed the call. I know when I am not loving, by the way, I am feeling. My relationship with myself is paramount and when I don’t listen, when I am not being true, I pay a price, always. And history repeats itself 🙂

Change can be scary, especially when we grow so fast that our lives can’t keep up. The changes that have to be made can be drastic and that in itself creates drama, but is there really any other choice. Well, yeah…I can choose to be stuck. I always have a choice. It’s just that oftentimes I need a big old kick in the ass to make the choice that is gonna break me free 🙂 Ouchie!

It can seem like we’ve wasted a lot of time being uncomfortable when we could’ve been better off, if we’d only have been brave enough to follow that nagging voice, that gut knowing we had all along. In hindsight, everything comes clear, but it wasn’t time. We weren’t ready and the world around us wasn’t ready either, so it’s really okay. After all, we have eternity, truly. Let it go. We’re all doing what we can and it’s okay. I don’t wanna keep repeating. I want to move forward, so I keep questioning and listening, especially when the going gets rough. I really don’t want a big kick in the ass if I can possibly help it 😀 I try to stay on top of myself and stay open so I can live the most loving life possible.

Yes, I still have auto-repeat going on, not gonna lie. Especially with my relationship with myself and how I cope. I forgive myself and begin again every day, and sometimes moment by moment. I have improved exponentially, yet it has taken practice, practice, practice until new habits, new grooves develop.

I want love to be my main groove 🙂 The highest love in every facet is what I want for my auto-repeat. Is that too much to ask? What will it take, I wonder? Life is a grand experiment sometimes, isn’t it?

Are your relationships loving, supportive, interdependent and enjoyable, promoting mutual growth? Are you being honest in your relationships? Are you honest with yourself? What changes can be made to enhance your relationships, your life?

When on auto-repeat, usually there has to be a full-blown major change, demolition with a wrecking ball, then rebuilding with new materials. Are you willing to do what it takes to live your best life? Do you look forward to spending time with the people you live with? Is your home a joyful oasis where you feel blissful and free? Are relationships a priority in your life? If not, what is? What makes you light up? Finding your bliss will fine-tune your frequency, bumping you up and out of the repetitive rut of auto-repeat. When you consistently follow your bliss, life becomes a loving, joyful, grand adventure.

I’ve lost sight of that. We have challenges and work hard, fret, struggle, then bliss takes the back burner. Then history repeats itself. Hmmmm. Letting go may be a better tactic. Instead of working harder and harder, maybe the answer is letting go and following your bliss? Then something new can happen. History doesn’t have a chance to repeat itself. Gonna try that for a while. I Will report back my results, ha 🙂 Experimenting is fun! The only thing I want on auto-repeat is a new song I’m trying to learn and only long enough for me to get it. This week I learned Let it Go from Frozen. It’s helped me be more blissful. Singing a new song. Maybe I’m on to something, you think? Yay!

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Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

2 Responses to “Relationships On Auto Repeat

  • We all are creatures of habit… we do things that are learned over time and in order for us to change it take a conscious effort, period. We may learn right, wrong or indifferent but it takes, in my opinion, effort to change. Personally I came from a broken environment, not just family, and it has taken many years to realize the changes that I had to make to find self worth, let alone happiness. Thanks for your insight and I enjoy reading your thoughts.

    • Absolutely Tracey! Me too, I am still having to consciously keep on addressing my “issues” as life challenges me, I eventually regress back into unhealthy patterns when stressed and each time I do improve in my response, I can see the progress… I don’t revert as much and process things more lovingly and rapidly. I remind myself that it took so many years to develop these patterns and I can not expect instant change, though sometimes I do make unexpected leaps, though that is not usual. I wish I were magic and could make everything wonderful for us all in this instant into infinity 🙂 Thank you!!! Hugs <3

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