Betraying Yourself

Boundaries are so extremely important! Personal/emotional boundaries are a delicate matter. How do you cultivate healthy boundaries? In order to maintain loving boundaries, we must be honest with ourselves and make the effort to really know ourselves and be true to ourselves. Boundaries prevent the betrayal of self and others. This is an ongoing process that takes effort and practice. We must reflect and look inside ourselves, and own up to our ways of being. We are accountable for the part we play in the circumstances of our lives. And to maintain boundaries requires continuous emotional awareness. A good way to stay aware is to meditate and journal. And to always question reality, consider varying perspectives and educate ourselves by seeking higher knowledge.

If there is always continuous drama in your life, then you can be certain that the number one factor at cause in the drama has to be you. And that’s where boundaries are key. Drama happens when boundaries are not healthily maintained. Healthy boundaries require self-awareness, mindfulness, and maturity. All of these require active cultivation, a willingness to seek understanding of ourselves and others. And above all owning up to our authentic thoughts and feelings which guide our actions. When we know what’s true for ourselves, we can then be true to others and be able to maintain those loving boundaries.

So, I am always questioning what I am contributing to my relationships and how much is due to me, and what I am overlooking and allowing, unwittingly. Or if I am violating others’ boundaries unconsciously? Or consciously for that matter? I believe we all have some not-so-nice impulses/thoughts and may even act on them?

I ask myself if I am doing things that I am not aware of because I can see that much of the drama we experience is caused by ourselves, that we are not conscious of what we are being and doing.

Ironically the drama is a gift.

Drama happens to wake us up, to help us see, to shine a light on aspects of ourselves or others that we are so frantically trying to avoid, deflect, disown or project. It shines a light on our unhealed wounds, we get triggered, drama erupts and if we are paying attention, just maybe we can change what we are doing and address our injuries, heal ourselves and get better. No more needless drama. Sounds amazing, doesn’t it?

In my experience, in many of my past relationships, family, friends, romantic.. the close relationships,  there has been a big issue.

CONTROL

People who don’t have an internal locus of control attempt to control their outer surroundings. They try to remain in power and control of people, places, and things. They look to the external to bring them safety, security, happiness, and love. They are driven by the need to have a constant external supply, instead of relying on their inherent power, internal love, and their eternal being/spirit. They tend to blame outer circumstances and do not accept responsibility for their actions. They live in fear and believe they are at the whim and mercy of a cruel, unjust world that’s stacked against them. They live in dishonesty and chaos because they are always attempting to control and manipulate the outer world to feel safe, secure, and loved. They have fragile egos and have been wounded when young, never healing from past abuse, being stuck at varying levels of emotional maturity depending on when that abuse occurred. They are triggered often and employ maladaptive defense mechanisms to protect that wounded child, that fragile ego. They often live in the past, rehashing all the wrongs ever done to them, retelling the same hurtful stories to anyone who will listen, again and again. They are the crazymakers of the world. And who among us has not made crazy at some point in our lives?

We walking wounded commit emotional betrayal, first to ourselves and then the fallout does the rest, impacting others. What we do to others, we do to ourselves, and vice versa. No one escapes. We are one. And it gets really confusing because people can be so sane and reasonable and suddenly they get triggered and watch out!

And that’s when it gets crazy because then you’re dealing with this person who is acting like a two-year-old, from out of nowhere, but they’re using manipulative grown-up tactics in the mix. They are afraid of losing control, that they will be abandoned or criticized, that somehow the love will be taken away, so they will do anything to maintain control of that supply, anything to maintain their identity, their ego, and their superior persona who is good, always right, perfect so they won’t lose that source of love. That inner two-year-old who is dependent on others to love them and take care of them, at any sign of criticism is frantic to manipulate the situation so that they don’t lose, so they can feel secure, in control. They do not have healthy boundaries because they are temporarily insane, out of their minds, transported back to that helpless state of being a dependent 2-year-old when something triggers them. Really no fun, but this truly happens, can anyone relate?

It can be quite shocking and infuriating. And ultimately sad.

What’s the solution?

HEALING

Well, obviously healing is the solution. But it’s hard to heal when you don’t admit or see that the problem is you, and no one can get through to you. You can’t see, so there comes more drama to show you the way. And maybe eventually you get tired of the drama and stop, look and listen. I am certain that many people have been trying to get through to you, but you wouldn’t listen. You wondered why everyone was bullying you when actually it was the other way around, you were bullying others in attempts to manipulate and control them and then projecting that onto others, blaming them, believing they were the bullies. Nope.

You have been lying to yourself because you are afraid. You are afraid that if you admit to any faults or weaknesses that your supply of love will cease, that no one will love you anymore and you will be left with that empty void inside you because you haven’t healed those wounds and they are gaping chasms waiting to swallow you whole into a blackened, loveless pit of abandonment, your wounded fragile infant heart.

To face that is terrifying.
Where to begin on healing something so vast and deep, so ancient, dark, buried and deep. Let the light of drama show you where to begin. Admit that it just might be you. That it’s not everyone else, it’s you perpetuating the drama. Stop everything and listen to your soul. Sit with that vast pit of wounded emptiness and allow yourself to feel. They’re just feelings and they will pass. And this does not make you any less lovable. You are always lovable no matter what. And after you sit with yourself quietly listening, for many moons and maybe a year or even longer, the light will fill you, lifting your heavy, empty heart and you will know that love comes from within, not from without. That you are one and the same with your source and it’s never away from you. That no amount of external things can ever fill that which is already whole and complete and fully love and loved. You are one with love and can never be apart from anyone or anything. It is only your fear and grasping at the world to try and make it what you want that separates you and wounds you. You are and always will be cared for and cherished, all you need do is sit with yourself and see. Just be and breathe for a while. What the world does can not touch that which is really you. And we are all the same that way. So how can what someone says or does or think about you truly deny you of your inherent worthiness and love. Love yourself beautiful one and let go of trying to make the world love you. You are enough. Bully no more, be free. Be nice, be happy. No need for defense or attack. Emotional betrayal no more.

Here’s what has happened in my life, from my view. It seems that people wanted to use me as a source of love, for themselves, without consideration for me, attempting to manipulate and control me into being what they wanted me to be, to keep me within their grasp so that they would feel better in an immature and selfish way, like a 2-year-old. I’ve often questioned what I did to cause this? Was it me? Well during my childhood, no, I had no control over certain relationships, they were not chosen. But in my adulthood, yes I could choose, but I had several adult relationships mirror the same dynamics as those relationships in childhood. And guess what? I couldn’t maintain those adult relationships either, so I had to realize that I can’t get along with everybody, especially if they were trying to manipulate and control me and it was harming me. I had a choice. We all have a choice in what we participate in. And drama will show us where changes must be made.

So I choose to heal.

Healthy boundaries allow you and someone else to be free to be themselves without trying to manipulate or control the other. To be and let be. Effective communication is also a requirement. There’s lots of information available to help us stay emotionally healthy. And healing is an inside job that only we ourselves, individually can achieve. Of course, others can help us, but only each individual can save themselves.

Now that I realize I am a magnet for thirsty 2-year-olds in adult bodies, wanting to siphon my loving-kindness all for themselves, I am more aware and have healthier boundaries, realizing that I have to pay attention to those warning signs sooner and stop making excuses for people. They don’t need me to be their source of love and healing. I need to love myself as well, and only they themselves can be their loving source of healing. I can’t sacrifice myself for them. That doesn’t help them or me in the long run. That only delays the healing process for all of us. We each have to face our own demons and do that inner work ourselves. So I am no longer betraying myself.

But aren’t boundaries a form of control?  Well, of course, to control your personal space, we all get to say what we will put up with. Boundaries are to protect ourselves, not to control others, but to stand up for our personal rights, to be respectful and loving of ourselves. It is our responsibility to maintain these boundaries so we all can live our best lives.

What are some warning signs that people are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are manipulative and controlling? Well, that can be tricky if you don’t spend that much time with them. Say, if you only see them socially, briefly, in controlled settings. You may not see any warning signs, because people can be on their best behavior in that limited time. But if you spend an extended amount of time with someone, you will see more of the truth, because their actions won’t line up with their words. And you will see that they have been deceptive, trying to present themselves in a certain light, but after getting to know them better, you realize they are not who they pretend to be, they are chameleons and covert. They talk a lot about how wonderful they are and about their honorable values, yet their actions show you the truth.

You betray yourself if you stay in relationships with unconscious people who are not willing or capable of healthy boundaries, who are not working on healing, and who remain stuck as 2-year-olds inside.

Walk away and send them love from a healthy distance. Betray yourself no more. There are plenty of others who are ready to walk the path of healing, lovingly beside you. Their actions are aligned with their thoughts and feelings. And if they slip up when you call them out on it, they listen and you work together on making things better for you both. You aren’t afraid to be truthful because you’re both secure, mature, and have healthy boundaries. It is possible to have drama-free relationships. I am enjoying that experience now 😀