How to Choose Love

The Logical Heart Knows Best

Judge not lest ye be judged.”  To have peace, joy, love, and harmony, we have to choose love, not fear. I struggle with aspects of fear, judgment, and forgiveness. I understand all of the concepts regarding forgiveness, spiritually, yet practicing them has proven challenging and confusing. I do have unloving thoughts and emotions. But it is taught that in order to be free and loving, I must learn to not have these judgments or unloving thoughts/feelings. Is it really humanly possible to totally eradicate fear? Because fear is at the root of all that is not loving.

For me, I have accepted that to be human is to have a level of fear-based responses. That I may react in response to provocation because it is hard-wired into our biology, or so it seems? And even if this experience and body are temporary and illusory, while our energy/soul is eternal, I have to be invested in all of it, right? I can’t live disassociated and in denial of the reality here? I have to play by certain rules here as a matter of survival and as a matter of love, empathy, and compassion.

Disentangling the spiritual, physical, psychological, and emotional has been circuitous and tricky. So it helps to view everything as consciousness, with physicality as a manifestation/creation by consciousness or mind.

My mind is what I have to work with first and foremost. There I can choose. In the moment while something is happening which I react to in fear, I can pause and choose to respond thereafter with love. This I can do. And I can then forgive myself for being afraid and forgive whatever is causing fear in me. And then I can change my mind about it. But I do have to be loving of myself as well and get out of harm’s way while also correcting my inner dialogue about myself and others. Because my mind is the only thing I can directly change. And I do have to be honest with myself and acknowledge when I am experiencing fear, hurt, negativity. Then, because I am living in this reality, I do have to keep myself out of harm’s way, but constantly move past the hurt, forgive, and stay in the present.

Is it possible for me to instantly forgive? I keep trying to be as non-reactive as possible. Something that helps me is to view all of us as learners like children are. We become more loving as we learn and grow, shedding all of the layers of fear until all that’s left is love. After all, children don’t know better and we as adults also don’t know better in varying ways. Just because our bodies are grown, does not mean we are all grown inside. And some parts of our inner beings are more grown than others. And everyone has varying degrees of maturity in multiple aspects. That’s how some people are confusing and can be Jekyll and Hyde-like. Because some parts are grown/free to love and the others are stunted/blocked with fear.

Another area that confuses me is that of projection. “You spot it, you’ve got it.” Anything we can see is a projection of some aspect of our consciousness. Maybe that means collectively? Does it mean that everyone has deep, fearful, dark hidden parts inside of us? Parts which we deny and project outwards and disown? If I shine an inner light and allow those areas within me to bubble up and I face them, acknowledge them and release/heal them, will my outer reality change? Or does everyone have to face their inner demons and release them as well for things to really change for us all? I guess, because we live in separation in this world, it will have to be a collective effort. So we each are required to choose love if we truly want peace.

Steps to choosing love.

  1. Get to really know yourself. Go within, self reflect, journal, get in touch with your truth, your story, your feelings, your hurts/resentments. Your loves and passions.
  2. Get truly, wholly honest with yourself. Question deeply any situations in your life which are causing you frustration. Establish boundaries. Discover what’s at cause in the drama. Is it you? Is it someone else? What’s the truth?
  3. Decide what you deeply want. Reflect on your current life circumstances and decide what you’d like to keep and what needs to change in order to have a loving, harmonious, joyful, fulfilling experience. Prioritize and triage.
  4. Change by doing whatever works. Choose to try a variety of methods in ways to flow more love in your life. Try re-framing your past to find the benefits or silver linings of hardships. Choose ways of appreciating/magnifying the positive aspects of life while framing the negative aspects as ways to grow by allowing the release of hidden fears. Use trial and error to discover what works for you. Choose to distance yourself from anything that is harmful to you, it’s common sense. Even if it’s “a projection” it doesn’t make any sense to stay in an unhealthy situation. You don’t need to live in a war zone because you said “Until death do us part.” And how can you relax enough to choose love if you’re always walking on egg shells? Do inner work to heal yourself. Be accountable for yourself. Be proactive. Attend to your physical health as well. Good plant based nutrition, sleep and exercise. Get some help, go to counseling, coaching, self improvement,  educate yourself on ways to cope and get better.
  5. Keep an open mind and heart. Find ways to stay curious, inspired and learning. Treat yourself to pleasurable activities, hobbies, experiences. Travel and vacation, explore, go on adventures. Keep open to all possibilities. Serve and help others. Volunteer. Spend time in nature and with animals. Connect with others who ignite, inspire, challenge you to grow in positive ways and support your success. Surround yourself with a healthy environment. Visually prime your work and living space with things you love and aspire to. Declutter and simplify to create more freedom and space.
  6. Believe and trust. Choose to believe whatever is most loving of you. You are able to change your beliefs because you can change your thoughts. If you don’t believe you can have love, peace, joy or whatever you desire, then how can it happen? If you believe it builds trust. Because the more you believe the more good things begin happening. A belief that helps build trust is that the universe wants what you want. Whatever you believe is what will be more likely to happen. The more thoughts and energy you put into a belief, the more creative power it has. Now that doesn’t mean you can be delusional about it, say those horrible singers on American Idol that believe they have good voices? No amount of belief can change that. But maybe with belief and training/practice they could become good singers? Why not trust in a friendly universe. Why not believe that love is more powerful than fear? What feels better? I like to focus and believe in the wonderful.
  7. Be gentle, kind while forgiving yourself and others. (Without being a doormat). Don’t be so hard on yourself or others. No need to be perfect. We’re all human, learning and growing in love. Besides, being harsh and punitive doesn’t work. It promotes anxiety, fear, anger, frustration, resentment which blocks love. Yeah, of course you need boundaries and goals, cooperation, team work and growth depend on it. You can honor your feelings, act upon them, set boundaries and let that heavy stuff go as quickly as you’re able. If you encounter unwilling or unable team members, you can work as best you can with them, forgiving any frustration and not take it personally, forgiving them as well. You can also remove yourself from the situation and forgive. It’s ok to be a messy human. How many of us are saints? It’s a process of always keeping love at the forefront. It can be so painful though, especially with grief, trauma and loss. That’s when we especially must be tender with ourselves and others.
  8. Remember that it’s all temporary. Perspective. Look at the grand scheme of everything. How much does this truly matter. What’s most important? Will this matter tomorrow, next week, a month from now, next year? Try to view things from a higher perspective, making choices as if you were your best self with nothing to lose. What’s most loving? What’s a win-win solution? Explore your ethics and philosophy and attempt to keep your thoughts, feelings, words and actions all in alignment. If it’s temporary, why not choose what’s most loving? Most pain and fear is caused by holding onto and resisting things we can’t change while failing to allow or work towards the things we can change. If all we have is now, how do you want to spend it?

I am making sense of how to choose love. I have learned that if I have to keep forgiving myself and someone else constantly, then something’s at error in that relationship and it’s up to me to figure out where I am responsible and choose differently while also communicating honestly with the other person to help improve it. If that doesn’t work then probably we don’t match up anymore and it’s time to move on. Before I had enormous guilt about being unable to have a healthy relationship and ending it. I stayed far too long while sacrificing myself because I didn’t want to be unloving and hurt anyone. Now I’ve learned that it’s not okay to hurt myself that way. I am learning more and more how to choose love. I am wanting this for everyone and hope this helps!

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Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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