Sumptuousness

I just had 4 days off and feel like I could use a vacation 🙂 Having a cold is tedious. I must’ve spent a few hours this week just surfing Netflix and Amazon Prime for something to watch, there’s so much to choose from, or the things I decide I’d like to watch cost extra money, so I spend extra time finding something for free. I feel so fortunate to be able to zone out on movies while I feel too sucky to do much else. I haven’t even felt like reading, my eyes get all blurry and fatigued, old sick person problems, lmao.

Back to work early in the AM. I had all of these big plans for my days off, but instead I’ve rested, taken it easy. Sending love to my California family, feeling waves of sadness wash over me unexpectedly, spending quiet moments this past week with flashes of fond memories keeping me company…grateful.

I’m in this in between space in my life. The things that used to motivate and excite me don’t anymore. I’m so over all of the societal preoccupation with physical attractiveness and consumerism, the obsession with novelty, romance and sex…I think what was/is all that about? It seems frivolous and meaningless to me now. Was it fueled by my hormones, or by my need to fit in, my need to have approval?

I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore about so many things that I invested a lot of energy into. I feel so free and yet kind of like, now what?

I’m enjoying the simplicity of my current life.

I toyed with the idea of travel nursing, that way I could spend more time with family in California, but the pay just wasn’t enough to entice me back into that level of stress.

I’ll be job hunting online soon. My current job doesn’t have guaranteed future hours, I was filling in for someone on pregnancy leave.

I’m working on digital content to monetize on here, trying different approaches and maybe something will snowball 🙂

I wonder if this is how most people feel when they get to be my age? So over all of the made up stuff?

Just give me truth, meaning, depth, love, peace and grace. Simple wondrous sumptuousness is what I want. Revelry, authentic connection, laughter, playfulness, creativity, learning, inspiration, enjoying and appreciating each other, presence, holding space, helping each other, caring, cherishing, nurturing, sharing, witnessing…what else is more important than that?

I still want to explore, travel, experience, but it’s shifted into so much more. It’s like I have opened up to encompass so much more than my own small concerns and triflings, such as if I have cellulite and buying the latest fashion trend, novelty or if I’m being romanced enough or where’s the money, lol.

All of that is just a distraction from what really fills my soul.

I don’t take things so personally anymore. It’s not about me externally and yet it’s all about what I’m being on the inside 🙂

Yeah, I’m more than little me now and this opened up more me, she hasn’t found that more place that fits her yet is all.

Feeling expansive despite being an old lady with a cold, lmao! ?