Waiting

I gingerly got up at 0920 this morning after dreaming about flying in personal-sized hot air balloons, (it was really fun), gathered up my bra, socks, and phone. Then the first thing I always do is open the blinds in the living area. I’m extra quiet because Drue’s still asleep. It looked like static on a TV screen outside my balcony, snow, lots of it.

I was mesmerized and enchanted, some flakes were huge, like a giant’s dandruff bullying the adjacent small flurries. A rogue piece of fluff would escape and float onto the balcony, my gaze flickering, eagerly tracing the frenetic frosty dance.

I tried to video it, but it never captures the delicate beauty, it’s not the same. I’m still fascinated by snow having lived my whole life in the absence of it until we moved here. The scant rare paltry snow in Louisiana doesn’t compare. I especially adore how the snow here sparkles opalescently, it’s like from a fantasy or dream, I expect to see fairies, elves, and unicorns, lol.

I groggily made it to the bathroom, peed, I donned my bra (keeping my shirt on around my neck with my arms free) and socks (I kick these off when I get in bed, Drue marvels at how I can take my bra off with my shirt on, he says it’s like a magic trick) and made the coffee 🙂

My phone was like a magnet, I had to update myself, reorient to our new reality, what’s changed overnight, how is everyone? The coffee gurgling, brewing and spewing, making pressured steam, electrical sounds like from a David Lynch movie. The coffee monster murmurs stop. I trample over and my body on autopilot slurps and savors coffee, coffee, coffee while with the other hand I’m scrolling on the phone. Good, we’re holding up, still closing things down to save more people, but there’s no federal mandate yet, just recommendations, no massive testing yet, no suppression yet, just mitigation.

Hopefully, it’ll slow it down enough so we can manage for now? It’s not looking good though, we’re not gonna be able to keep up. Not enough ventilators, not enough PPE, not enough testing… we’ve been caught with our pants down. Maybe if we’ve flattened the curve enough, we won’t be paying as high of a price. The waiting is a bit agonizing though.

I see on social media some people are still skeptical and whining about not being able to have their friends over and commenting that they don’t hear anyone coughing in the elevators or hallways and ask if anyone knows someone who has it. Another posts some statistics that compare the pandemic to the flu but don’t account for the length of time, so it’s erroneous information. I don’t know how to help people stick to the facts. All you have to do is see what has already happened and is happening, it’s not rocket science? Why don’t people understand?

I suppose it’s denial and fear, plus magical thinking and misinformation. And confirmation bias? Politics? Money?

And some are saying the restrictions are a big sacrifice and I’m thinking, no DEATH by COVID-19 is a big sacrifice you dum-dums! ? Omg, I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, but I continue to be flabbergasted. I think it’s a healthy response to such little mindedness, don’t y’all? I hope I never get used to the complacency, short-sightedness, entitlement, and ignorance.

It was easier to handle staying in on this blizzardy day. When it’s sunny and dazzling it’s like there’s a giant hand with a gesturing finger motioning me to come on, come on out here, follow me…enticing.

I still have lingering congestion from a cold, and a sore throat, but I get paranoid and wonder if it’s the virus because I feel a bit feverish today. We don’t have a thermometer, they were sold out. Probably my overactive imagination 🙂

I could feel my muscles in my abs, hips, pectorals, shoulders, biceps, and triceps from the workout yesterday, satisfyingly sore. I didn’t exercise today, felt too bleh. I took it really easy, finished watching The Durrells in Corfu. I cried at the ending episode, kinda Remains of the Dayish.

I also listened to audiobooks, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, (been wanting to read that for quite a while now) and Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler. Enjoying them thus far, though they’re both heavy which aligns with the current mood.

There are gonna be more layoffs and furloughs at work, so it’s not just the buffet people. I really think they’ll end up temporarily shutting down before long. Losing money by keeping it open, I’m sure.

I saw all of the free virtual offerings online, but I don’t have the energy to engage yet. There are people doing live feeds, it’s lovely. I’m processing here and need the quiet, space for everything to settle in, to adjust to the changes. It’s a kind of grieving and everyone handles it in their own way.

When I begin to project/predict what our possible future could be, I stop myself because it doesn’t help me, because we don’t know enough yet. I did begin reading an article online about what some possible changes could be, it was quite in-depth, I will complete it later, maybe that’ll help a little.

I am thankful that we’re all okay here so far and people I know are too. I’ll wake up tomorrow in the same way, wanting to check and see that we’re still managing. I’ve accepted that more people will continue to die, but we don’t need to add to that number, we all must do our part to keep flattening the curve and hopefully, suppression efforts are underway?

I so appreciate all the people who are trying to get the truth communicated, all of the loving support and coming together, the creative solutions with most trying to help in whatever capacity they can.

Thank y’all. Sending all of my love and virtual hugs ? until tomorrow 🙂

Michelle Miyagi
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