The Logical Heart Knows Best

I began watching the Netflix documentary series Pandemic, 2 episodes so far. My daughter asked if it was scary or was it helpful? I replied helpful and so far reassuring because at least there are excellent, passionate scientists, plus medical personnel who are highly skilled and dedicated. It helps me be less afraid when I have knowledge. The more information I have, the more responsible and proactive I can be. I know more of what to expect.

Again, I limited my social media consumption, but I read the news. I want to keep abreast of the progression of the pandemic and up to date on new guidelines and mandates.

When I see outrageousness, like conspiracy theories and those who still believe it isn’t real… I’m giving up. It’s no use. The powers that be want to go back to business as usual by Easter, so Drue and I have a running joke. When we’re on pins and needles wondering how it will end in life or like on a TV show or movie, we joke that they’re all gonna die. Well, looks like we’re all gonna die, omg! I remain incredulous.

So yeah, continuing to snooze loads of people on social media. And I’m accepting that our individual states are gonna have to step up to save the most lives. And big businesses who can donate supplies and ventilators will have to step up as well. As far as testing and suppressing it, I don’t see that happening.

We say every day how thankful we are to be living in Colorado. They just abolished the death penalty! Denver is going to be on shelter in place now.

I’ve still been having cold symptoms and it concerns me. The wobbles from MdDS have been severe, so I’ve not gone for a walk since last week. I got antsy today and washed all the sheets and am fluffing the futon. Opened the balcony door to let fresh air in. I also looked for some photos I want to display, but couldn’t find them and was too fatigued to be thorough in my search.

I’m having difficulty concentrating/focusing sometimes. I bet lots of us are suffering from that. So much uncertainty and grieving, because there’s nothing we can do to stop the virus except containment.

I check in on the kids, they’re doing well, for that I’m thankful and relieved. Otherwise, not being very productive here. Telling myself it’s okay to be however I am because there’s no right way to be, except do no harm, and love each other. Be as helpful as I am able. Have compassion for others and cut them a little slack if they’re not acting like themselves. Offer whatever support I can muster while also taking care of us.

Drue’s still working, they’re staying open by cutting higher up’s salaries. Thankfully, there’s not much business because I worry about him becoming sick with the virus.

We’re watching Better Call Saul and I become so absorbed that I temporarily forget about the pandemic, grateful we have distractions.

As I was searching through photos today, I was struck by how you can’t hold on to anything. Life is in fluctuation constantly.

The memories of those times triggered by the photos made me appreciate that there is a wild, full, freewheeling spectrum we experience. I recalled the sweetness, the stress, the frustrations, the joy, laughter, the perseverance, the despair, the hanging on by a thread, and the moments where I felt that life can’t get any better, so brilliantly sublime… to the ones where I wanted to give up, a specter of myself.

But what resounded the most was the tender strength and beauty of all the love permeating, cascading through it all. I couldn’t help but smile in gratitude for everything, even now when so much is at stake.

I can love, and that gives me hope and strength.

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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