Lumpy Blob

It still smells like broccoli in here 🙂 I keep the vent on when I cook it, but the pungent odor lingers. I’m making sure I eat healthy foods too, even though I’m craving comfort carbs to sedate and soothe as I compulsively check my phone for pandemic updates until I get visual disturbances from a pre-migraine aura. I take ibuprofen to head it off and pray that I don’t have coronavirus because that’s supposed to make it worse.

I listen to audiobooks with my eyes closed until the aura passes after about 20 mins. It’s so disorienting because your vision gets so wonky. There are a few stabbing pains in my forehead, then it goes away. I sigh with relief.

I’d been reading on social media about people shaming other people for how they’re handling themselves during this crisis. I questioned if I’d offended anyone or caused anyone to feel ashamed. Then I just let it go.

We’re all upset, so emotions are high and after we get through this, everyone will smooth out again, hopefully with more compassion, forgiveness, and understanding, so that bonds are strengthened. With more bridges built and fortified than burned, lol 🙂 So I got a fricking headache from stressing about it all. I said enough and took a break. I’ve been having to do a lot of that.

Yesterday and today I did little. I finished watching the Pandemic series and wondered what the featured scientists were doing now. May google it later. Today I read and watched Paris is Burning 🙂 Loved it, couldn’t believe it was from over 30 years ago, it’s still relevant for today, was brilliant.

It’s snowing right now, but it’s wet and slushy, the few cars passing sound like they are hydroplaning, swooossh. Otherwise, it’s been eerily still and quiet.

I feel like I’m a hermit. I’ve said that I felt like I couldn’t get enough quiet and solitude, but universe, listen up, this is not how I wanted to get it, lol! I can only imagine how younger people, kids, extroverts, and people who aren’t used to spending so much time together are faring. I’ve seen some hilarious videos, memes, and jokes about our collective predicament. It really helps take the edge off, though we’re all varying degrees of afraid and heartbroken underneath it all.

I spent my day going from bed to futon to chair, to futon, to chair, to bed, look out the window, peek across at my neighbors’ windows wondering if they feel like listless hermits too, then check my phone for updates 🙂

I want to exercise and post on forums, create helpful content, etc…but I still feel blechy and wobbled, so I resign myself to being restful, gentle with myself. There have been so many times when I’ve wished that I was the one being catered to and taken care of for a change. Well, now’s my chance to take this time to do that for myself. I’ll feel better soon enough and can be more productive when I’m ready.

I see so many people rising up and trying to help by having dance parties, performing, doing art, planting, doing skits, playing music, reading books/poems, watch parties, doing helpful videos and live feeds. And look at me…all rolled up under the covers in my comfy clothes, being a lumpy blob, pulsing with fluctuating emotions, tempering them with passive distractions 🙂 I pat myself on the arm and say, there, there, like I’m a character from Winnie the Pooh.

I even looked for jobs online, slim pickings. And why would I do that to myself during a pandemic if I don’t absolutely have to? I have a job waiting for me when, if business resumes.

Time for a hot bath now, more reading and Netflix interspersed with checking for updates to see how everyone is faring. My heart panging, sending love, waiting, hoping, wanting to ease our collective pain somehow.

“‘I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,’ said Pooh.
‘There, there,’ said Piglet. ‘I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.’” —Winnie the Pooh