High Hopes

The Logical Heart Knows Best

I Skyped with the kids today, yay! They’re safe, happy, and well, so thankful, relieved. They both still have their jobs and are working from home. I love them and miss them so very much.

They both play video games, so they can enjoy some of their at-home time doing that. I was even considering seeing what Drue has on his system that I might enjoy playing. I used to love video games! It might be exciting and maybe since I’m older I won’t succumb to hours and hours of gameplay like I used to, lol.

I spent the day inside again. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel up to a nature walk or an exercise video, or engaging more online. I read, meditated, did a few lessons in Steve Pavlina’s Stature course (epic!), read the news and scrolled through social media.

There’s less divisiveness now, it seems, whew. We’re coming to terms with it all and now know what we can expect. I’ve begun taking some information with a grain of salt because it’s just blowing smoke and smack talk.

I also journaled for the first time since November. And I read some of my journal entries from May until when I stopped writing because I was busy transitioning jobs, out of nursing. I was amazed by how much has changed for the better, according to what I’d planned and wanted so badly to happen. I was so miserable and felt so trapped in my career.

How I got here was nowhere near how I would’ve predicted it to occur. I am so much happier and peaceful now, even during this pandemic. I took chances and kept forging away, trying different things until now I’m in a position that I thought would take so much longer to arrive at. The universe keeps surprising me with its twisty ways, and I’m so thankful for the loving people in my life who have helped me get to this juncture on this tempestuous journey. I have this window of opportunity to explore and be able to create on my path with a heart.

I don’t want to squander it, so that’s why I get frustrated when I have a prolonged cold and exacerbation of MdDS symptoms. I was considering trying to go back to nursing out of the urge to help on the frontline in the pandemic. My body said, oh no you don’t, at least that’s the way it seemed to me.

So I’ve shelved that obligation to be Florence Nightingale. Them days are over for me. I have to do what my heart and logic know…what’s best for me. I’ve truly decided. I am currently totally free to figure this out, how best to serve on my path with a heart. No distractions except, well, the pandemic, there’s that, whew, sigh.

I have space and time to invest in exploration and creation. After we get through this pandemic, I will try to get treatment for the MdDS, because I can afford to be sidelined because we are not dependent on my income for now. I can afford to invest fully in my health too. Yay! It would be so wonderful to be rid of the MdDS symptoms if possible. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be fully well. Maybe I’ll find out soon? Everything keeps moving faster and I’m so encouraged to keep going. Hopes are high.

It feels wrong to be thankful during a time when so much of the world is suffering. I AM thankful while my heart is panging with sadness and sending all of my love to everyone all at once. How do you describe such a paradox, the mixed emotions, it’s mystifying and somehow beautiful in a tragic way.

I feel like we’re all on a precipice with our hearts flung wide, hoping we can fly.

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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