Holding

Today was the first day since the start of the pandemic that I could stop resisting. Yesterday I decided to just give in to being sick and let go of wanting things to be different regarding the pandemic which led to a better day today. I told myself to let me be sick and I’ll get better whenever, and the pandemic is raging, but it’s not in my control, so until then I had permission to do and be however the eff I felt like as long as it’s not hurting anyone.

I felt space open up, a sigh, a release, acceptance, letting go, no resistance. I stopped fighting it all. The pressure fell away and I let myself stay in the moment more. I’ve had a peaceful day. I’m still sad and concerned, but instead of feeling all the outrage, I’m resigned to the fact that I can’t change it or how it’s being handled, it’s not up to me. Being upset is okay in the short term, but we’re in for a long haul, so better recalibrate to something more manageable?

That nonresistance, that space holds me steady when everything else may be chaotic and falling apart. It anchors me to that core strength, the mountain of love within. This foundation of love connects with everyone else and keeps the fabric of our humanity together so we can weather anything.

It reminded me of when trying to deescalate an agitated client. The common method is to stay out of arm’s length. I often did the opposite with excellent results. I’d get in close, hugged right next to them, my arm entwined with theirs, I became connected to them, my presence anchoring them, they’d be lashing out at everyone else, but accepted me without resistance.

So it is with me, I need to get in close, hold myself steady, pause long enough to create a space for acceptance to edge in. This gives way to peace, and that natural love rises to soothe. It’s always there when we stop resisting and surrender to what is in the moment.

This afternoon I tried making no-sew face masks today with hair elastics and random cloth. One I tried looked too macabre. I fashioned it from a scarf that had the image of a woodblock print by Utagawa Kuniyoshi: Takiyasha the Witch and the Skeleton Spectre that my daughter got for me from a Boston Museum. Another I tried was too thick, a cloth napkin from New Mexico I love, another gift from my daughter. The best one was a striking bandana from Japan I’ve had since early college. One of my classmates from chorus sent it to me when she returned to Japan. We were pen-pals for a while, then I lost track of her. She was so adorable, sweet, and kind.

I wondered if I was supposed to wear a mask on my nature walk? I chose not to and only saw one person wearing one. We can maintain a greater than 6-foot distance and it is not overly crowded on the paths. It was so lovely to enjoy the sunshine, clouds, sky, trees, fresh air, and smile at passersby with their sweet families and doggies. The birds chiming and squirrels scampering.

Tonight, as I submerged my head in my ritual hot bath reading session, I noticed an iridescent sheen on the tile below the showerhead and smiled. Yesterday I’d taken the smiley face print sponge I keep in the soap dish on the shower wall, slathered it with baby soap and washed the tiles while I was still in the bath, and rinsed them too. Just a simple task to feel like I have some measure of control, it’s grounding to me. The shining remnants of left-on soap that I missed reminded me I did that, and it also made me think of blowing bubbles. Cheery stuff. Clean house, bubbles, simple joys.

I completed watching the series The OA on Netflix and was so disappointed to google that there are no further seasons. It was getting to the really even trippier part. It was already so beautiful, mind-blowing, intricate, sensitive and nuanced. What a damn shame it was supposed to be 5 seasons, but they canceled it. I want to learn those movements though, lol. I googled it, there are tutorials, heh. Some flash mobs have even performed it, cool.

I’m getting into a new routine now, and that’s also helping me feel better. I have my Spring Hamster Routine for Audaciousness tacked up on the wall right next to me here at the desk. I haven’t done my quarterly planning yet, maybe tomorrow if I’m still feeling this good.

Some other habits (besides guilty pleasure Netflix) that I’ve kept every day have been meditation, reading ACIM, plus other reading, and blogging. Oh, and compulsively checking the news and social media because of pandemic concerns. It helps to know that we’re all connecting and sharing online, we’re all in this together.

I laugh so much at all the creativity, the jokes/memes and people just getting so out of their minds bored that they’re doing some kooky wonderful stuff and sharing online. I just love that! I also love how people are posting more photos and videos of nature when they go on walks. And they’re sharing fun things they’re doing with their kids, like setting up dominos so they’ll fall in patterns, so playful, imaginative, engaging and heartwarming.

We need good humor to help us get through the tragedies. I’m reading a book about that called Playful Intelligence by Anthony DeBenedet. I’m glad I already had plenty of books checked out. We’re able to keep them without being charged overdue fines for the time being.

Don’t know what guilty pleasure TV series to watch next. Sometimes I can pick something quickly and other times I get too many choices fatigue. Lately, I pick something quickly, begin watching it, and if it doesn’t grab me, I’ll try watching something else until I hit upon one I like. It’s quicker than scrolling through, reading, researching, and trying to decide.

Hoping everyone is hanging in there as best they can.