On Retreat

The Logical Heart Knows Best

I’m a member of this Facebook group called Hapa and someone posted this YouTube link to an all-woman band from the seventies called Fanny. Several of the band members were hapa and the band is excellent. I got curious and googled them and saw they did a reunion in 2018. They’re around 70 years old, wow, inspiring!

I kept wishing I would’ve known about them as a child because I’ve always loved music and it would’ve been nice to have some other hapas in the media who I could identify with, to feel more acceptance, belonging and inclusion.

Then I got to thinking about how there’s so much out there, so much wonderful, that I’d love to know about, appreciate and experience. I wish I could sample it all. All of the beauty we create and share so abundantly. I get inspired and curious. So whenever something fascinates me I take a few moments to investigate. I take short detours down the rabbit holes.

With all of this free time now, I’ve had to pace myself. My eyes get tired and my brain starts getting mushed, I want to take it all in, but my body makes me stop. Like today, I needed extra rest. And that pisses me off a bit because I’m like a tired cranky child who doesn’t want to take a nap, lol. I don’t fight it as much anymore, I’ve learned to surrender gracefully to nappy time.

I got curious about Tik Tok and researched that. Watching the band Fanny brought me back to when my aunt and cousins and I would sing and dance together at my grandparent’s in Gonzales, LA, we’d practice and then put on a show for our family, lol. It was so much fun! I thought that we would’ve loved that Tik Tok, ha!

I’ve decided to relax, to ease up on being so regimented, so I can enjoy exploring whatever piques my interest. My body has been telling me that I need to rest ever more emphatically as time goes on. I spent too many years abusing it by overworking it and making it sleep too little and at the wrong times.

I was chatting with Drue today reminiscing about the times when working too much I’d be falling asleep while standing up, my knees buckling while working overtime nights, where I felt like I was being tortured, so desperate to be asleep in bed, I would fantasize about my bed and sleeping, I ached for sleep, for rest.

The things we do to take care of our families.

Then I thought of the people I know who work 80 hours a week because they have to. Then we pay the price sooner or later with the devastation of our health. I’ve decided I can’t and won’t do that anymore. I have more choices now though, my children are grown and doing well. I’m hoping that the way our society and economy is structured will change so that people don’t have to destroy their wellbeing in order to provide for themselves and their families.

I’ve also noticed that the optimal amount of hours spent working for maximum wellbeing for me personally is about 24 hours a week.

I don’t know what the solution is. If I were a young adult now, I’d not have any kids and would then maybe be able to get by without having to work so much. I’d also try to be my own boss, an entrepreneur or an independent contractor. It seems like people work for low wages so that the companies can make higher profits with the spoils going to the employers/owners.

For the time being, I’m gonna pretend like I’m on an artist’s retreat where I am supposed to read, investigate, contemplate and use my imagination, fantasize and dream, get inspired and all refreshed and rested up. I’m trying to get my body to cooperate with me. It’s been misbehaving for too long now and maybe this will set it straight? I keep experimenting to see what will work.

I’m noticing that once I decide and am firm in my choices while also taking action towards making it so, it’s like a chain is set into motion, like dominos, things fall into place in unexpected and astonishing ways that blow my mind. It’s taken me a while to figure this out because my fearful beliefs kept me in compromising situations. I didn’t know that I had so many choices, I just had to decide and take action, just one step is enough to get started. It was up to me all along, I had more power than I realized. Now I know. And it’s the same for everyone.

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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