Big Eyes

The Logical Heart Knows Best

I try to talk myself out of going for walks. I think it’ll be cumbersome wearing the mask, it’s hard to breathe in it, you’ll have to swerve to avoid people, you may be a target because you’re Asian and a woman. Then I remember how good it feels to be outside and how wondrous it is every time to be in nature. So I get my courage up and venture out.

Every day I experience wonder when I look outside at the mountains and sky, or when I’m struck with how the light falls blanketing everything in an ethereal glow. All of the beauty that if we’re moving too fast we don’t even notice, at times we lose our sense of wonder in the mad rush of life. Or we talk ourselves out of the little adventures we could have, like a walk.

I’ve decided to really give in to ease, nurturing, savoring and reveling as often as I can muster during this slowdown. It’s feeling so much better that way. I’m listening acutely to what is most loving of me instead of pushing myself so much. It’s working. I’ve decided that I’m in self-care mode indefinitely until I know I’ve done all I can to get healthier.

I try not to take medicine but I decided to resort to short-acting antihistamines to try and knock out this lingering congestion and inflammation. (It’s been 7 weeks of varying degrees of bleh gradoux). The meds made me drowsy, so I let myself take a long nap today. It was luxurious. I awakened feeling a bit better and talked myself gently into a walk ? I’m always glad after I walk, I don’t know why I resist sometimes. It may be because of the wobbles (MdDS) too, it can be uncomfortable, but the pros of a walk outweigh the cons.

I began listening to Parable of the Talents, in this book, there are multiple narrators, so it’s more entertaining. It’s nice listening to fiction for a change of pace. I want to try podcasts next.

All in good time, lol.

There’s so much I want to do it’s like I’m at an epic buffet but I can only eat so much and I get mad because I get full too fast and have to wait till next time to try the other yummy foods I missed. Or like my parents used to say when we got too much food at Picadilly, “Yall’s eyes were bigger than your stomachs.” (That reminds me that Drue often tells me “Your eyes got big,” when I’m eating something yummy).

Well for me, I am so ambitious I want to accomplish so much, but I get too tired and don’t feel well, so I have to take many breaks and pace myself. Time for me to get healthier so I can eventually be more productive and also enjoy more of the buffet now that I have the luxury to focus totally on self-care, for the first time ever. I so want to get better so that I can do more. So I don’t die with my music still in me. So I can make more of a positive impact in this world.

I’m almost finished with Steve Pavlina’s Stature course which has been outstanding. I’m clarifying and defining who I am becoming and who I want to become, what’s important to me deep at my core and I’m learning ways to develop my desired character attributes. I’m also doing another book/workbook called The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle Laporte, my daughter got it for me.

I did it! I used my bubble gun tonight on my balcony, it was delightful and mesmerizing to watch the bubbles stream out and then float away around the corner of the building with the wind. I love bubbles!

Every day I am making it a priority to feed my sense of wonder. To pay attention to all of the small wondrous things that we forget to notice and appreciate. Like the aroma of morning coffee, the sunlight warming my eager face, a glimpse of a cute kitty on a windowsill, the gleeful squeals and giggles of a child passing by, all the little treasures that add up to a glorious free buffet. What a feast if we choose to see it that way.

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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