Watching Over

I was slicing clementines in half and peeling them to make a smoothie, the scent hit my brain and suddenly I was overcome with memories of the Thanksgiving feast at the kid’s elementary school. I always brought peeled clementines. I could see the children so adorable, so little smiling sweetly enjoying the fall festivities. My heart panged into my throat, tender tears welling up. Nothing is so beautiful as a mother’s love. I am thankful every day for our children and they’re never far from my thoughts and heart.

I Skyped with them today and I was so happy they are doing well. It’s hard being so far away from them so I’m thankful we can video chat. It’s a vulnerable feeling when you love them so much, you’re always wanting for their safety and happiness, that never goes away. Being a parent is the most significant undertaking in our lives. We all do our best, but in some aspects of caring for them, we know we could’ve done better and have to forgive ourselves. Hopefully, the kids get good therapy as adults, lol.

I don’t know how any of us summon the courage to become parents, to begin with. I guess the hormones, the baby fever gets us? It’s a big deal. how did I ever think I was competent enough to do all that? Lmao!

I’m so grateful the baby fever did get me because the kids have been the most spectacular part of my life. My capacity for love continues to expand in unimaginable ways thanks to them. I’ve become the best version of myself through what I’ve experienced and learned from them. My whole world view shifted to encompass more kindness, compassion, acceptance, patience, meaning, purpose, forgiveness, understanding, and deep, unconditional love for us all.

My heart feels like it will burst when I think of them and all the beautiful times we’ve shared together. It’s like I have amnesia for the sleepless nights and the times where I just wanted to pee alone, lol. All the struggles pale and recede in comparison to so much love. Love that you didn’t know was possible until the children.

So on Mother’s Day, I want to thank the kids, I’ve loved being their mother more than words can say. I’m so lucky to be their mother.

Today I walked around the complex and took photos of every painted rock people have lovingly scattered around to cheer us during the pandemic. So sweet!

I’ve had a video conferencing filled day, attending CGC calls and Skyping with the kids. I also prepped my veggies and fruit for the week. I’m running behind on my writing. Some days are like that and it’s okay to be flexible, it’s nice to socialize and eat healthily too ?

I’ve been thinking of how we mothers feel so responsible for our children and how we agonize over how we’ve raised them and wanting the best for them always. They’re always in the back of our minds, we remain concerned about them for the rest of our lives. And we always want to get it right.

It’s hard to take a deep breath and say, it’s okay, you can’t change the past and there’s only so much you can do for them now as adults. You have to do your best to make peace with it all and let go as much as you can. It’s always tugging there in your heart, you’re always like a little angel hovering near the kids, watching over them in spirit forever.

It’s achingly beautiful. Your heart forever blooming as a mother.

Happy Mother’s Day y’all.