It All Adds Up to Love

I planted the moonflower seeds, yay! The Groot-like celery is flourishing. I wonder if it will like being planted? I have more research to do on plants. My days are so filled with activities geared towards skill-building and discovery about how to proceed on my path with a heart. I’m making progress in a Facebook social learning group, it’s fun! I’m learning as I dive in and just start doing stuff.

It’s surprising how doing a little each day adds up so quickly. Each day I’m getting more and more done, I’m stacking habits, it’s working. I am flexible when something else arises like if I get curious and go down a google rabbit hole I just pick right back up with whatever activity I feel like from my routine. I have them all listed, and I made a rough outline of my day according to when I like to do certain activities. It’s flowing nicely.

I am enjoying our balcony so much! This apartment is even better than our last one. I’m so pleased with how everything is falling into place! I feel like I’m at an Airbnb, lol because the view of the sky, foothills, and the birds performing acrobats for me while the sun warms my skin makes it seem like I’m on a trip.

The baby swallows have been waking up at 2 am and tweeting for a while. They’re so cute. I went on a google rabbit hole looking up cliff swallows. Sometimes their faces remind me of otters! Fascinating.

When I was cooking today, I was using celery, the stalks that used to be part of the Groot-like celery, and I felt guilty, lmao, like the Groot celery was watching me, omg! I’m so absurd, I laughed at myself.

The downstairs neighbor was playing loud music with an annoying bass dominating. They had their sliding door open too. I tried to be patient and hoped that it wouldn’t last very long. It pissed me off, though. I stomped around a bit and googled what to do about noisy neighbors. I tried to concentrate on what I was doing, but it was challenging. I kept thinking of how I was always respectful, mindful, and quiet, well maybe not anymore? Lol, petty, I know, but I still have those passive-aggressive thoughts, though don’t act on them. After about 15 minutes, I accepted it and decided I would just keep track of the noise on my calendar and if it becomes a nuisance, I will email the management. Then 15 minutes later it stopped. What a relief.

Then I was fantasizing about buying a lottery ticket, winning, and getting a sustainable house with permaculture on a patch of land nearby in the foothills, lol. A place secluded enough to where we could run around in the buff if we wanted. We’d have large windows with stunning views and a large elevated whirlpool bath that looks out onto the landscape as well, with maybe a glass ceiling too. A pool and hot tub would be nice too, is that sustainable? Heh. It’s nice to dream.

I ate berries in the sunshine on the balcony again, strawberries and blueberries this time. I love how the blueberries sometimes keep that floral taste. It’s like you’re tasting a meadow. So yum. I felt like royalty while I also sipped on Green tea called Bangkok, flavored with coconut, vanilla, and ginger, such a thoughtful gift from Mother’s Day! I feel so cherished and loved.

I’ve been marveling at how once you get your courage up and take actions that are nurturing and loving of yourself, the universe steps up and shows you even more love in unanticipated ways. Everything smooths out and falls into place when you keep honoring yourself.

It’s so marvelous, and sometimes I wonder if I’m just seeing what I want to see? Like I’m spinning it so the universe is making things happen faster, the braver I am and the more I do things that are loving of myself, the more support I receive from the world? I guess you could look at it as it’s all happenstance that there’s no connection between either. Be skeptical and concrete about how things work. I prefer to err on the side of miraculous, mysterious, and mystical. That’s more exciting, adventurous, and fun.

I’m catching myself thinking, maybe it’s true, maybe you can let life love you, maybe you can open up, feel safe, loved, and free. Maybe that’s been the entire issue all along. You believed you weren’t worthy of a life that loved you because you believed what happened in your past would be all you could hope for, so you settled for more of the same. Then when you finally took some steps towards what was better for you, then Voila, life decided you were ready to be loved because there you were doing right by you. It was up to you to lead the way. I hope that’s how it really works because I’m getting better at it. It’s about time!

Before I began this post I was looking at houses on Zillow, ones in the edges of town in or near the foothills. I love doing that. There was one with enormous windows with views and a soothing long slim pool that looked out over the mountains, plus an elevated tub with views, too. It was a 4 million dollar place, ha! I could imagine myself in that pool and tub, lol. It tickles me to daydream.

On my walk, I began listening to The Art of Writing by C. S. Lewis and found that maybe I need to listen to it when I can look up the authors he references, or I need to read more to become familiar with all the revered writers? I stopped listening and instead began listening to The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert. I had other books partially listened to but the apps are weird and the books don’t stay downloaded, so I have to be on Wi-Fi to access them again. Hoopla is the best, though, works great! It’s so awesome to have all these books available through the library!

It’s been stirring up my imagination listening to/reading fiction again. For many years, I felt I didn’t have the luxury of reading fiction, saving my time and energy for nonfiction to try to make faster progress on my path with a heart. Now I’m seeing that it’s important to nurture your imagination, to fantasize and daydream more. It keeps you more adventurous, playful, and open to more opportunities/possibilities. Your universe expands in proportion to your imagination.

The more that I’ve been nurturing that magical side of myself, where I’m doing what’s truly the best for me, the more wonderful life is becoming. I knew this when I was a child, but have had intermittent amnesia of this as an adult. I keep forgetting to not take it so seriously. To not take it personally. To keep on remembering to love me no matter what.

In my meditations, it’s easier and easier to reach that state of joy where the tears flow because of the beauty of the love there. It’s like I almost reach something that’s not of this world. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel more real, alive, and awake even though my eyes are closed, lol. It’s like I’m radiating with this warmth, light, and love, a bright glow, like I’m at the edge, about to break the surface. It’s like I’m in the ocean just below the surface and there’s a bright white light meeting the water, but the light is drawing me upwards and it’s penetrating the water, I’m encircled in this warm glow, on the verge of merging up with the light above.

Filled with gratitude tonight along with black-eyed peas, mushroom and brown rice, cinnamon tea, and a peach fruit bar too, lol.