Drama-Free

As I was journaling I looked out and saw adorable girls skateboarding in the sun, so happy and carefree, I smiled recalling my skateboarding days. The freedom of speeding effortlessly down the sloped sidewalk, the whirr, thunk, whirr thunk of the wheels, my hair whipping behind me under the sun-dappled trees, ah youth. I woke from my daydream and continued writing.

I looked out again and saw a middle-aged white man in a bright orange tee and khaki shorts standing in the lot fiddling with something in his hands. I was surprised as I bristled in response. Why the revulsion? I began questioning my automatic reaction. It was fear and anger erupting unbidden. I mention the age and race because it’s this segment of the population that I’ve had the most difficulties with throughout my teenage and adult life.

When I was a small child, I didn’t feel this way, I was timid and shy, but I was not angry and afraid yet. It would take years of harsh experiences that would shape my responses and perspectives. The negative, defensive stance my body took was well justified, but what if I don’t want to have this animosity? I don’t want to be prejudiced against a whole segment of the population, but I also know that it’s wise to be wary.

The feelings quickly passed but I was saddened by them. I decided to accept that this trauma would always be a part of me and I would probably always have reactions that will remain. That they’re there to protect me in this physical world. Hey, if there wouldn’t be continued inappropriate, abusive, damaging, disrespectful behavior, then maybe I could let my guard down, but that hasn’t been the case.

I will encounter all kinds of people and some will behave poorly. I get out of their line of fire as quickly as I can and avoid them like the plague. It’s not worth the drama of me personally, by myself to try to correct the situation, it typically does nothing but add fuel to the fire and put my safety at risk. I don’t take the bait. And I actively practice forgiveness every single day with meditations, visualizations, and ACIM workbook along with reading at least a chapter of the text a day.

In my meditation today I pictured that man and other men from recent encounters and tried to see them as products of this world, that we all are shaped by this world and play our human roles. I regressed them in my mind backward until they were babies, then they were nothing but light and I pictured all of us merging into one light where we were the same, nothing but loving energy. Nothing but the same innocent babes that grew up into what the world would have us be. I shift my focus to spirituality to help me release the negativity.

Me harboring anger and resentment will do nothing to help, but letting go and forgiving will keep me free to enjoy the moments in between adversity. If I’m constantly on the defensive or rehashing the past and anticipating the future I will keep myself fenced in.

Being mindful allows me to pause and be aware when I have a knee jerk response. I question it, process, and integrate it through honoring my feelings, acknowledging wounds, validating the truth then healing through practicing forgiveness. And I also use my common sense and steer clear of unsavory situations and get help if needed.

It’s not easy, but I keep at it. I ignore the haters, lol. What else is there that I by myself can do? I get heckled, I pretend not to hear and calmly walk on by. I may initially inwardly react, but quickly regain center, get heavy with peace and love, solid. Meditation and ACIM help me stay rooted in peace.

Someone told me I should get some pepper spray. Should I? I’ve done fine without it so far? I don’t really want to?

I’m just so grateful that I’m not having to interact with unwelcome people right now, lol. It’s so refreshing! Totally drama free here, it’s liberating! Now’s when I knock on wood ?

So if you find yourself fearful and angry at a stranger for no reason at all, then maybe there’s some wounding and mistrust that needs tending to or maybe your intuition is warning you to steer clear. I know it’s not my intuition because that would be silly to steer clear of a whole segment of the population.

Some days I’m wistful for that clean slate of youth riding free on my skateboard. Today forgiveness sets me free.