Just Chill

It’s been ten weeks since I’ve been furloughed. I am now sleeping through the night for the first time since I can’t even recall. I thought it was just aging and my bladder wasn’t efficient. Turns out it was work and stress disrupting my sleep cycle. Most days I do not set an alarm and it’s been glorious. I wonder just how many health problems are actually work-related? So much of the way we live is unnatural and unhealthy.

I know one thing for certain, I’m gonna do my darnedest not to go back to that kind of life ever again.

I walked at sunset after a leisurely yet productive day. There were three deer on the hill right next to the trail I was on. I didn’t notice them until I was almost right up on them because they were on my blind side. They weren’t skittish at all, so gentle and peaceful munching on the meadow foliage.

I finally blended the wheatgrass I’ve been curious about for years. It tastes like the smell of freshly cut grass and hay combined with a sharp bite at the end. I saved the tray of shorn sprouts to see if they would grow one more time for another harvest. All I’ve gotta do is rinse them every day. I’ve got a countertop garden going on. Celery, avocado, and wheatgrass. Next, I’m gonna add romaine lettuce.

I Skyped with the kids yesterday and wished I could teleport them to visit and I would bake them cookies, lol ? Some days I wish I could relive memories from our times together throughout our lives, like reinhabit certain moments. It goes by too quickly and then you just miss them so much now that they’re grown and away.

Today was lovely with robust stretches of lively conversation with Drue. I wasn’t having to talk myself off a ledge about not progressing quickly enough towards goals or doubts about how I’m investing my time, hoping I’m not squandering it. A peaceful, soulful day here.

I’m trying to adjust to this new rhythm. It’s foreign and some days my psyche acts up to recreate the pressure I’m accustomed to, it’s weird. Why can’t I just chill already? I have this subconscious fear that suddenly the rug will be pulled out from under me and I’ll be scrambling again so I’d better hurry up and make as much progress as I can while the getting’s good. But that’s no way to create something that flies. That’s more like self-sabotage, lol.

That’s why it’s helpful that I’m doing/listening to It’s Never Too Late to Begin Again by Julia Cameron. It addresses the sudden change when you’re retired and how to navigate while exploring your creativity. Being furloughed is similar in a way and I’m definitely wanting to expand my creativity. The book is reassuring and helpful because it gives you permission to engage in playful, leisurely activities to free you up enough to get creative. It’s hard to be artistic and imaginative if you’re being perfectionistic, goal-driven, time-pressured, and militant.

It’s funny how I try to recreate the squeeze I’m accustomed to by pressuring myself to hurry up and create something as fast as I can because that’s what I’m used to. But that hasn’t ever worked so why keep the pressure on? Because it’s been what I’ve known, so its absence doesn’t feel right. That’s pretty twisted, omg.

Time to get used to what works more effectively. So far since we’ve moved to Colorado there’s been rapid progress, so I’ll keep doing what I’ve been doing which has been exploring, experimenting, taking action even though it’s been challenging and out of my comfort zone, it’s all worked out. No need to exert false pressure on me. Things are going well, I am allowed to relax and go at a gentler pace for a bit. Whew ?

It’s like life is inviting me to slow down and deeply nourish me, to just be for a while. I’m gradually accepting this generous invite and intend to behave graciously as much as my lizard brain allows ?

You’d think this would be easy, piece of cake, just slow down and take care of myself. What’s so difficult about that? Heh

Michelle Miyagi
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