Creeping Doubts

I get impatient with my rate of progress towards my goals. I know it takes time to build up skills, to create something new, and to recover health, but some days I get so discouraged. Thank goodness there’s always the next day where I begin anew. So I don’t stay downhearted for long.

Today was one of the more tedious days because of tech issues. I researched and tried different things to no avail, so then I finally asked for help in the support forum for the WordPress theme and they’ll get back with me at some point. It was a time suck, but that’s how it is, there will always be unanticipated hindrances.

That’s when it’s comforting to get the main priorities accomplished so at least you have some stability with your daily progress. I do a blogpost, journaling, and workbooks every day. If I get these done I feel less frustrated, lol. I have to keep surrendering to my humanity. I am not a machine, I am a person.

I start having those doubts that creep in, like what if I stay like this and nothing ever clicks. What if I never figure out a way to make income in a way that is a win-win? What if this is as healthy as I will be and as far as I can go? I go back and forth between being so grateful that I’ve made it this far and how some things happened so quickly, to worrying that I won’t be able to figure it out in time and will have to settle for what I don’t want and maybe I’m just aging and this is as good as my health gets.

I grapple with my fears and then forge ahead. I go for my nature walk and that’s a soothing balm for my soul even with the face mask and social distancing, there’s no substitute for the grandeur of the outdoors. I delight in the brightness and light streaming in our windows, this apartment is so vivid and inviting. I water my moonflower seeds and almost squee when I see a sliver of green erupting from the dark soil, it’s sprouting! My little countertop garden is expanding and my indoor and outdoor celeries are leafy, green, and happy. My whole body grins when I sit outside on the balcony for a change of scenery and the sky is ever-changing, my eyes constantly are drawn to the patterns of clouds and shifting colors.

What do I have to be fearful about in the moment, nothing at all. I am graced, safe, nourished, the only frights are from within my mind. There will be time enough for me to create my heart’s desire and if not, I know I can manage and make the best of whatever lies ahead. I have prevailed so far and what luxury I am enjoying now. Just breathe and do your best I tell myself. That’s all that’s required. Love now as best you can. It’s okay to feel that separation pulling you from where you are to where you want to be. Desire and growth can pull you and stretch you, which isn’t really all that comfortable, is it?

It’s scary now for me, putting myself out there. When I first began down this path with a heart I was a different version of me, really healthy, fit, energetic, even more optimistic and full of belief in all of the possibilities. This current version of me has been through many trials and challenges since then which yes, have strengthened me and deepened me, I am far more wiser? I think? Yet my ass is worn the eff out! Lmao!

Now I’m more “realistic” about how people really are so I can relate and connect better with others. So before I was super confident, sociable, and energetic. Now I’m more guarded, less healthy and energetic, I’m older and fatter, so my confidence isn’t like it used to be, but I know that’s not what matters, yet it does still concern me. I think that’s just how we are wired, to want to be approved of and accepted. Society doesn’t do us any favors with the obsession over physical attractiveness.

I made a video yesterday because I want to become more comfortable and self-confident, no matter my decrepitness, lol. I don’t want to be self-absorbed in a negative way. I mean I do need to focus on myself in order to get healthier and to channel my creativity. But I want to do it in a way that will help me learn how to serve in the best ways possible, so I am helping others too. For that, I need to figure out what others really want help with. Where’s the need that I can help fulfill.

How can I best help? That is my quest. Guess I can’t rush that process can I? Heh, I still try 😊

Love and hugs! 💛

Michelle Miyagi
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