It Could Happen

The Logical Heart Knows Best

I am finally beginning to relax into this new, low-pressure life, it’s only taken four months to get used to. Being ill has forced me to let go, to surrender even more. I want to go, go, go, but my body says, no, no, unh-uh, lol. My a** has been draggin’ since last Wednesday.

Hopefully, this week will be better. I broke down and got some cold meds again to see if they would help. I keep relapsing, though less severely, and less frequently, it’s getting extremely tiresome. I keep counting my blessings though. I’m alive, I’m not having to work, we have money, it’s beautiful here, I have a balcony where I can be outdoors, we’ve really got it good. I can still function and work on projects, I just feel like crap and it’s challenging, my brain feels bobbly, foggy, and mushy so it’s hard to concentrate.

I have a video appointment with a doctor next week. I’ve been trying to increase my activity, but when I do, symptoms flare up again, and then I have to rest. It’s hard to stay fit and lose weight because I can’t exercise like I want to. Plus when the viral symptoms flare up the MdDS does as well, I’m like a Weeble, wobbling, lol. My body is roly-poly too, I feel like Willy Wonka’s Violet Beauregarde, a swollen blueberry, heh. I’m so glad I decided to get insurance during the special enrollment period.

I’ve been looking at houses on Zillow during my frequent rest periods. In the mountains, there was a house for 45 million dollars. It looked like a resort. The house I loved that is nearby here is pending sale after they lowered the price to $3,800,000. I’d have to win the lottery to buy it, lol. It’s fun to fantasize! I had Drue getting in on it, he was predicting what the houses would look like on the inside based on the outside appearance. It became a fun game, we were joking and laughing while lounging on the comfy futon.

We pretend that we could actually afford the houses and say, “Nah, that one looks like they’re trying too hard, too much fancy and oh, that one looks like it might have a dungeon!” We then joke that the futon is so comfortable that it traps us, it sucks us in and we’re so cozy we don’t want to get up, naughty futon! It was interesting how some of these extraordinary houses were decorated and furnished so dismally. Maybe it’s because all of the money went towards the house and there was little left over for furnishings?

I feel relieved knowing that I will see a doctor and maybe they can help, or at least they can tell me there’s nothing to be done but ride it out. I’ve been reading about others who’ve had a similar experience after having the virus. It’s reassuring to know that it’s not just me, others are having prolonged symptoms too. I choose to view it as I’m one of the fortunate ones.

It’s out of my control, I’ve tried all I can think of to help me get better on my own. Maybe the doctor can help? We shall see. Maybe this is the last of it and tomorrow I will wake up and feel wonderful? That would be ever so nice, lol. It’s so beautiful here, I want to soak it all up and go outside and play! Maybe I need to get a bicycle, I bet that would be exhilarating and puts less strain on the body than walking. With MdDS the symptoms go away with motion like while I’m driving I feel better. I wonder if riding a bike is the same? Time to google it and fantasize about bike riding, lol.

I’m getting plenty of practice in patience, acceptance, surrendering, and letting go. I cope best when I stay in the moment and appreciate what I’m experiencing right now. Even if I feel bone-weary, my head and body aching, shivering with cold, my breath heavy, I can appreciate the blue sky, the sun streaming in, the green trees and mountains in the distance, the birds tweeting, the warmth and softness of my sherpa blanket I got just for me because I’ve been so effing cold while I sink in, get heavy, peaceful, tell myself to relax, to lean into letting my body heal in its own good time, let go…I give in…peace settles in at last. You’re doing all you can and it will have to be enough I say to myself. Tomorrow could be better, I awaken the next day and hope that when I take my first steps of the day, they will be normal ones the MdDS miraculously gone overnight. It could happen, it will happen one day, please?

I wonder how most people feel? Are they healthy, pain-free, and energetic? I used to be that way at least more often than not. I haven’t asked people about this specifically. Do a majority of people feel really good physically most of the time? Another thing to google, lol.

Tomorrow I will write something cheerier, heh.

Love and hugs

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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