Time to Find Out

I’ve decided to stop obsessing over my health. If I feel yucky, I will surrender and accept it more gracefully. I will stop trying to figure it all out, stop wondering if I tried changing different aspects of my life it might help? I’ve already tried so many things and nothing’s worked, lol. Why do I keep at it? I will continue eating a clean diet, be as active as my body will allow, meditate, and journal to stay mentally/emotionally well, and see doctors. That will have to be enough. I’m just spinning my wheels here.

On good days I will get as much as possible done while relishing them and on the others, I will surrender, get in bed, listen to audiobooks or watch something, take a nap. Yeah, I will still get frustrated, but oh well.

I’m looking forward to this letting go phase where I will stop resisting and fully accept my level of health, be truthful with myself. Maybe this will free up my energy and unlock other forms of creativity that don’t require a sharp mind or energetic body, lol. I could do lumpy blob theater, heh.

For this next quarter, I plan on launching a business here. I have a lot of learning and skill-building ahead of me. It’s hard to know where to begin, so I’m just picking some things and going for it. It’s time. I’m doing it. There aren’t as many job opportunities out there and it would be nice to be my own boss. Plus people are in their homes more and there will be more online opportunities to make money.

I watched 12 Angry Men (1957) tonight. It’s still relevant. I was surprised, I really enjoyed it. I didn’t know women couldn’t serve in juries then, wow.

I’m struggling with writing tonight. In the past three days, I’ve done a lot with quarterly planning and my brain is fried. My breathing, mushy brain, fatigue, aches, pains, tachycardia, wobbles, dizziness, and feeling freezing are improving though. Today I felt the best so far since this last relapse. I have a video appointment with a doctor tomorrow, maybe they’ll give me some magic miracle medicines, lol.

I’m trying to imagine how my life will be if my health never improves or worsens. What adjustments will I need to make and maybe I need to decrease my expectations and delete some things from my bucket list. Shrink my vision to conform to reality. Maybe I can take lots of writing courses and practice writing until I’m good enough to make a living that way, as a freelancer. Do people make money selling books these days? Maybe I could write a bestseller, lmao.

I’ve dreamed for years about helping people through a business that I build from scratch. Will I be able to do it though? Time to find out. It may take me longer because I’m not running on all cylinders, but I’ve gotta give it my best shot or I’ll always wonder and have regrets. People say everything happens in its own perfect time and I wanna say eff you! Lmao!

I used to be more airy fairy and pollyanna, now not so much. I prefer the way I am now because it’s more aligned with truth. Some spiritual people take it too far. We still have to function within the parameters of this world, not bypass it.

Tomorrow I also begin our CGC monthly challenge, for July it is Install a Simple Daily Habit. Mine will be a short session of stretching/gentle yoga along with a short online workout that targets different sections of the body each day. Woot. I want to resume my walks, but am afraid of relapsing, this will be a good compromise.

Many nights before I fall asleep I ask to receive answers in my dreams. I will try that tonight asking what’s the next step, what’s next, am I on the right path? In the morning I will hopefully remember my dreams and then interpret the symbolism and evaluate my feelings surrounding the dreams and see if I come up with some creative hints on which way to go.

Time to find out.

Love and hugs

Michelle Miyagi
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