Miracle Sprinkles

My bratty feelings are giving way to resignation. There’s s bit too much going on in the world and it sobers me right up. My concerns are petty in comparison. We were watching an episode of I May Destroy You and the lead character uses chanting “There are hungry children…not everyone has a smartphone” to distract and console herself, trying to minimize her traumas, to shift the focus away from herself, although her pain and trauma is heavy indeed, to minimize and deny it in her case is a mistake. I’m interested to see how they handle the delicate subject matter in the next episodes.

The balcony has more flowers, Zinnias. I hope they survive in the getup I brainstormed. I zip-tied containers to the railing, it looks festive. I want the balcony to be a before/after success story, along with my body, lol. I’ve only eaten in the 4-hour window today so far, yay! Some people in CGC are doing food diaries and weighing, measuring their foods, etc. That won’t do for me because it triggers obsession like from the years when I was anorexic. I have to be more flexible and gentle with my nutritional restrictions, monitoring, and habits.

It’s interesting how I’m beginning to feel more marginalized and devalued as I get older. I’ve been thinking about it more due to the pandemic where the attitude is that older people are more expendable. I have to remember that what matters is what I believe about myself and value myself. I have a right to be here and be treated with dignity and respect as much as anyone else.

When I read the news, it’s so surreal. I mean, I knew it was gonna be a mess, but wow. How stupid are we? Apparently infinitely. It’s a bad dream out there. It’s an upside-down world. I kinda wanna be one of those survivalist people and live off the grid until the timeline/dream/dimension shifts back to something more palatable.

My thoughts start to snowball. Why am I even concerned about trying to help, making a difference, being creative, or trying to get healthier? What’s the point? It’s madness here, lol. I get a fleeting angsty teenager existential nihilistic type vibe going. Then I counter with, well I’ve gotta be here, so might as well make the best of it. What else am I to do?

So I made my routine list of activities to do every day and my sprinkle activities which I can choose to do when time permits or when I feel like it. They’re on the wall in my workstation where I can see them and stick to it. If I don’t vary my activities I get blocked and bogged down. I’ve gotta switch it up. I have all of this ambition and don’t know if I have the smarts or talent to back it up. I definitely am lacking in the energy and vitality department, but I’m so hoping I can fix that. I’ve got a video appointment with a specialist familiar with treating MdDS I made it today, it’s in 2 weeks, yay!

My mind flickers with thoughts of the energizer bunny or the little engine that could, or the tortoise and the hare. I’ve just gotta keep at it. Good thing I’m stubborn. I try so hard not to be but fail. I want to give up, but I can’t make myself. So I blog, I make goals, I scheme, daydream, fantasize and plan. I keep hopping back in the saddle, yee haw. Giddy up horsey! I plant flowers on my balcony because it’s still wonderful to be alive even in our darkest days, there’s beauty, kindness, joy through the tears, and deep abiding love.

I love that term sprinkle goal like sprinkles on a cupcake. The cupcake is the big, juicy, yummy goal. I am ordering a huge cupcake with lotsa sprinkles from the universe. Nom nom nom. A miracle sized cupcake. That’s what the world could use right about now too. Miracle sprinkled vegan cupcakes for all.

Michelle Miyagi
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