Seedlings and Puppetry

The Logical Heart Knows Best

I only skimmed the news today, it’s too upsetting and overwhelming, I need days where I can coast and breathe. I watered my burgeoning balcony garden, I was happy for a few minutes of sun on skin, then retreated indoors away from the stench of the blacktop vaporizing in the searing heat from the parking lot below. The vibrant zinnias are crowded by the wildflower seeds that are now tiny vivid green sprouts vigorously stretching towards the sun. I use a small cup to gently stream water over the fragile seedlings. Every day I eagerly inspect them, thrilled at the miracle and magic of it all. In a few weeks, there’ll be more flowers!

I wore myself out over the past few days, so today I took it easier. I read Refuse to Choose and On Writing, then did the first section of Pat Flynn’s Smart from Scratch passive income course. I got to fold a paper airplane as part of one of the exercises, fun! Now it’s sitting on my workstation making me smile. I finished listening to Sister Outsider, I need to check out more of Audre Lorde’s works. I journaled and meditated too. I also did short sessions of gentle yoga and toning target zones using random videos I find on YouTube.

So far doing this intermittent fasting has been helpful in that I feel like I have discipline and control. It is confidence-boosting and empowering. I feel lighter and have lost 5 pounds. Drawbacks, I have more brain fog/ glitches, lightheadedness and my balance is worsened. When I went grocery shopping I was thankful to have the cart to hold onto. Because the eating window is only 4 hours, my day is tethered by that. And I try to do tasks which require more energy in between the feedings, lol. It also impacts my sleep, every morning I’ve been waking up around 4 AM to pee, whereas prior to this I was sleeping through the night. I complete this experiment tomorrow. After that, I may continue with a 6hr feeding window, plus a bedtime snack to help me sleep better.

It’s so dazzling outside, tempting and enticing me to come out and play. I want to, but I’m afraid to overdo it. It’s hard to tell what will be too much. Last night after watching Being John Malkovich (omg, I forgot how hilarious it was!) the top of my left hand was itching and I was horrified to see tiny bumps emerging on both hands. I frantically reviewed what I’d done over the past couple of days and questioned if I came in contact with anything different. I concluded that maybe I’d pushed a little too hard so I rested today. Thankfully the rash has not progressed. I wondered if my daily habit of small workouts was catching up with me, but decided that I needed to keep moving my body. The compromise was to rest much of the day so I could do the tiny workouts. I spent a lot of time in the futon with books, notebooks, and laptop. I’m sitting at my workstation now to write, I go faster sitting at a desk.

The doctor I visited had no recommendations except to take a vitamin D supplement.

I will attempt to return to my walks next week. This is driving me crazy having to stop and go, back and forth, twirling me around, but I know how fortunate I am. I have to keep being patient and keep dancing with it. I’m a puppet, like in Being John Malkovich. My body is not entirely my own anymore. I’d love my puppeteer to perform “Craig’s Dance of Despair and Disillusionment” from Being John Malkovich with me, lol.

I’m also required to look for jobs now in order to keep my unemployment benefits even though I’m still job attached. It’s somewhat confusing on how to document what you do, but I’m giving it a stab this week. I hear there are some tips on Reddit that may help, more research to be done 🙂 It’s unsettling having to search for employment during a pandemic.

The only places I’ve driven to visit were to grocery shop then once to the post office and once to get blood drawn since the pandemic stay at home began. It will feel strange when I venture out to do something else like I’m being deviant or dangerous. The longer this goes on, the stranger it will be when we come out of hibernation mode.

What job would I like to do during the pandemic? A remote job would be ideal. Time to start practicing my typing again, lol. I wonder if they’re doing in-person or online interviews? Now I’m really curious. This should be very interesting.

Next year my goal is to be able to do a modern dance like the one above minus the gymnastics, heh. I still only learned 2 moves from the OA five movements dance, but I still have it pulled up, (so many tabs) in case I get the urge to learn the rest, lol. Aspirations.

Love and hugs

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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