Buying In

The Logical Heart Knows Best

It feels like I’m losing my people skills from spending so much alone time these days, or maybe it’s just awkward socializing on video. I also don’t know how often to reach out to people either. It’s been years since I’ve had a real social life. For a while there I lost my faith and trust in people and preferred to spend time with my family, to stay home in my free time.

I was hoping to change that this year, but well, y’all know the story, we’re sidelined for now. I’m missing being around the energy of others and people watching. I want to play and joke around, but there are no playmates. I wonder if I’ll forget how to play? I’m thankful for video calls, but it’s not the same as in person. I’m so grateful I don’t live alone, others who do must be a bit thirsty for in-person interaction. Being around strangers in the grocery store doesn’t quite do it, lol. Staying six feet apart must pose some challenges as well if people are attempting small social gatherings. Guess you have to speak loudly and clearly through the mask.

Some people are still having weddings at the Manor House nearby here, that must be a bit surreal. I think I’d postpone mine till later, or get married on paper and have the ceremony whenever this has passed.

I’m a lot older than the people I’ve been socializing with online and it’s funny when they ask me what my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle is. I wonder if they know how old I am lmao. I was in my twenties when they were popular. I didn’t watch it. I remember all of the TMNT toys when I worked at Toys R Us though. I did watch Pee Wee’s Playhouse around that time. Even though I was grown, I still loved it! I still have a Pee-Wee doll where you pull a string on his back and he says, “I know you are, but what am I?” I also had a wind-up Pterri and a stuffed animal version when you squeezed the middle the wings would flap. I loved the Pee Wee dance in those red heels to the sassy tune of Tequila. So funny!

I haven’t seen any kid’s shows for a long time now. I do know of the Baby Sharks and the new Trolls, they’ve been on candy packages and people loved that baby shark song for some ungodly reason, lol. I’m out of touch with the mainstream and pop culture, I just don’t care anymore, yawn, lol. So much seems like a waste of energy and is meaningless. It doesn’t attract me as it used to in my youth. There are so many more time sucks and distractions these days, I don’t know how the youngsters manage all of that extra stimulation, but they do! I have all of the notifications turned off on everything and my phone stays silenced. I cherish my peace and tranquility.

I do have too many tabs on my laptop, always, I confess. The only distraction I have is the news. I scan all of the headlines ever since the pandemic began. I’ve been on Instagram barely at all, I need to educate myself on how it works, I don’t know why it’s so popular. The pictures are nice, but otherwise, there’s not a whole lot of interaction. I was curious about Tik Tok and meh, time suck. Facebook is full of landmines, I skim it and send hearts and happy birthdays, make sure everyone’s hanging in there, then log off.

It’s a relief being older, I have less pressure to fit in or be thin, cool, and glamorous. There’s less of that feeling of competition. I’m comfortable being the way I am and don’t feel the need to impress anyone. If people judge me, oh well, they can think whatever they want, it doesn’t affect me unless I buy into it. And that’s the whole point, to have people buy into it, literally. it fuels consumerism and distraction from the things that are truly meaningful and important. If I follow this trend or buy these clothes and products I’ll feel better and be more acceptable. B.S. I’m so glad my buying in days are over. It’s much more peaceful and I use my money for things that will truly enrich my life. And I avoid all the media that brainwashes you into feeling bad about yourself.

I’m comfortable in my skin now and besides, there’s no use in fighting it, the sags and wrinkles are inevitable, it’s natural and happens to us all. I get to be even more of the real me now. The pressure is off. I’m in grandma land now, lol. I almost want to wear my hair like my grandma Miyagi wore it, in braids that she started up high on the sides of her head and layered on top, pinning them in place, so adorable! I loved watching her fix her hair, all of the silver strands with darker grey streaks. She was fastidious wearing dresses she made herself, her black handbag, sensible black shoes to match and her delicate wristwatch with a silver rimmed face and delicate black straps. She gave the watch to me later and I count it among my priceless sentimental treasures. Grandma Miyagi used to collect the original trolls, I just remembered that lol. There would be shocks of fluffy vivid troll hair peeking out from behind photos on the mantle at her house.

So no, I don’t have a favorite ninja turtle, I much prefer the rat sensei, lol. I remember that character more clearly from the snippets I saw in passing. Ask me who my favorite Partridge is and there’s no hesitation, David Cassidy! Yeah, baby yeah! I don’t think the people in the video call have even heard of The Partridge Family, heh. I do love hanging out with them though, they’re amazing young whippersnappers! I’m honored to be hanging with the cool kids.

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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