Surviving 2020

Some days I feel like Rapunzel looking out from my balcony, not able to go out and play like I wanna. I’m thankful for the balcony where I can enjoy a taste of some nature and sky. Going for my walks is out of the question for now. I’m continuing to play it safe to avoid a big relapse. I have mini relapses after I do things like grocery shopping and changing the linens and fluffing up the futon. I’ll probably set up an appointment with an allergist next week, maybe they’ll be more helpful. It’s worth a try.

This is taking so long to clear my body. I’ve learned to stop resisting it and rest instead of pushing myself. It’s an extremely humbling experience. It makes me grateful for what I can enjoy and still accomplish knowing others haven’t been as lucky. We’ll be wearing T-shirts saying we survived 2020 🙂 hopefully, we’ve got 5 months left in this challenging year. May the odds be in our favor, lol. I just finished listening to The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, The Hunger Games prequel. It’s a fitting book for this year.

I begin PT soon for the MdDS, it’ll be in person, not online as I’d hoped. I am gonna order a better mask to wear there. I mean it’s a health care facility, there should be safety precautions in place, I hope. I need to see a dentist for a loose crown too, I will call and see if they’re accepting appointments for that or not. Is it worth the risk? This is what goes through my mind with every outside activity I consider. Will this be the encounter that could seal my fate? Will I unknowingly spread it to others if I get it again? can I get it again? No one knows for certain. I think back to all of the places I went back when I was first sick at the end of February. How many people got sick because of me? I worked while I was ill too. Did I give it to my coworkers, we were all sick around the same time, except for Drue, lucky bastard, lol.

Nothing I can do about it now, so I let it go. I feel so bad when I see news headlines saying that a grandchild went to a party and spread it to their grandparents and they died from it. If that happened to me, it would be hard for me not to feel responsible for what happened to my grandparents. That is something a person will be haunted by for the rest of their lives. And now children are going back to school. How could I live with myself if my child got sick from attending school and died? I don’t understand how people make these choices and take these risks when it impacts other people’s lives as well. Your choices can lead to life or death consequences for you as well as others you come in contact with.

I let it go, I have to or I will be paralyzed with sorrow. I will do my best to be conscientious and work on improving my life and health so I can make a difference in my own way, in my own time for the highest good of all. I will develop my skills, create, and share things that enrich our lives as best I can. I will tend to the things I do have control over and will be as loving as possible while also being loving of myself. I will look for the good in others but know that people are human and don’t always shine.

I will be compassionate and forgiving, but I won’t tolerate harmful behaviors and will reject offenders from my proximity like any self-respecting person would do. It doesn’t matter if they are afraid or have baggage from the past resulting in their bad behavior, what matters is protecting yourself, you don’t deserve it and it’s not your job to fix it. We can have compassion, but people engaging in harmful behaviors need to be held accountable and it’s their responsibility to correct themselves and face the consequences if they don’t.

Not wearing a mask is harmful behavior. Not socially distancing is harmful behavior. Your rights do not include harming and possibly killing others by your negligence.

This country is in a pickle. It’s like watching a train wreck.

I will stay on my balcony watching my garden grow so I can stay sane while I send my love and compassion out energetically and the birds will carry it far and wide with their song.

Love and hugs 💙

Michelle Miyagi
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