Happy To Be

It was so funny when Drue walked into the kitchen and caught me doing my PT exercises. I was in the corner turning around in circles and he prefaced with I’m not an a** really and then he said in a robotic voice, error, error, and we both cracked up laughing. He then said, does not compute and we laughed some more. I said I know it looks silly, it’s okay to laugh, I’m laughing at myself too, these are not normal everyday movements for humans, lol. Now robots, yeah, I could see robots performing these motions for sure.

Today was the most restful and peaceful day I’ve had in years. I’m finally feeling more like my baseline level of health and I no longer have such pressure to perform, it’s amazing! I feel so empowered and free to be true to me like never before. I feel like I’ve graduated and am ready for the next level that I get to fully customize according to what I want and value most in life. It’s totally up to me.

I’m no longer pulled in so many different directions and have a wide-open space available to fill with exactly what aligns with me. I’m no longer feeling dissatisfied or in a hurry. That constant pull to keep doing more, being more and trying to reach perfection has evaporated. I feel like I’ve been released from bondage. Now that I’ve had a taste of how it feels to be fully free, I know I don’t ever want to hold myself hostage or give my power away again. I don’t have to constantly strive, it decreases my quality of life by being so driven to achieve.

I need to stay mindful and balance my life to where I’m happy and satisfied to be right here where I am, so I can enjoy right now while also looking to the future, but not be a slave to my goals, aspirations, and perfection. I have been too focused on personal development while neglecting to fully appreciate life in the now, to just be imperfect little me more of the time.

It’s so easy to fall prey to the constant pursuit of improvement. It’s good, to begin with, to get into the practice of building healthy habits, but before you know it, sometimes it takes a detour into, I’m never quite there, I need to do more, know more, be more… I need to reach these levels of achievement and perfection. Pretty soon you’ve lost yourself in an avalanche of too many restrictions, too much order, discipline, and control, until you can’t enjoy life. There’s always something hanging over you. You never quite get it all done and keep adding more, building upon it all until your life is no longer yours, but a mechanized routine to keep you on a hamster wheel that’s supposed to lead to your optimal health, fitness, purpose, and service to the world, but instead, it’s a never-ending effort that keeps you in an infinite maze.

It feels so good to be out of the maze for now, lol. I am enough, just the way I am right now and I’ll always be enough no matter what. Does that mean I’m just gonna sit on my a** and do nothing? Nah, it means that I don’t need to relentlessly pursue self-improvement. I’ve already had so much pressure from society, I don’t need to put even more pressure on myself. I get to go at my own pace and I get to decide what’s enough or too much, that’s all. I retain my agency and power over me.

Today I decided to put the seals in space jigsaw puzzle away, it was looming on the table, waiting for completion, taunting me. I didn’t want to abandon the project because I want to finish it someday because my son and I had worked on it together when he visited. I’d like to surprise him by finishing it for when he visits again, but it’s no fun working on it by myself. So it’s under the bed now waiting for later, it’s out of sight so I can relax. Seeing it every day was a reminder of an incomplete project which weighed on me, but it also made me smile too because it triggered happy memories with my son. It’s okay to have incomplete projects. If I want, I can go back to them at any time. I’m free to work on whatever I want, whenever I want. As long as I’m enjoying my time here on earth and being reasonably productive and purposeful, it’s fine.

I keep forgetting this and fall back into the trap of always wanting to be more instead of appreciating where I am now. It’s a tricky balance, at least it is for me.

Michelle Miyagi
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