Pretty Please?

Meh, lol 🙂 We’re all gonna die! Aaaagggghhhhh. Now there are two hurricanes heading for Louisiana on top of everything else. Why 2020, why? The air was heavy with smoke as I watered my plants tonight. As my throat felt bad, I watered them quickly. I keep trying to cheer myself up by thinking of everything to be grateful for. It helps a little. I Skyped with the kids today. That was wonderful. I’m thankful for that and we’re all doing okay, so that’s good.

I look at houses on Zillow to escape, then I think what if I buy a house only to have it consumed by wildfires, agh, stop it brain, stop it! I throw my phone beside me and sit, staring, take some deep breaths and meditate for a bit, sinking down into the futon, letting it all go. There’s nothing I can do about it, I remind myself and I focus on right now. I’m safe and sound, snug and comfortable in our cozy little apartment. There’s nothing I can do right now. I can vote though, soon and maybe that will help? It’s a little sliver of hope that I hang onto. Maybe things can change, they’ve got to and fast. The earth needs saving.

I thought maybe today I could muster up some liveliness and cheer, some inspiration and creativity, but nah. I slink around the apartment, do my PT exercises, read, roll around on the futon, eat healthy food, drink tea, look out the window through the smoky haze at the foothills, the sky grey as if it might rain, but it’s just overcast from the smoke.

I look at all of my notebooks, books, art supplies, and my lists of projects and shrug my shoulders. I’m not feeling it. Maybe tomorrow. Today is another quiet, uneventful one. I reassure myself that it’s fine. I can have this space to just be and mourn a little while, to feel sorrow for the things that it’s only natural to grieve about. I’m allowed to be human and I need to preserve my humanity, for that’s what will ultimately save us.

I want to write something that will make everything seem lighter and brighter, but it feels like a lie, lol. At least we’re not having a world war, that’s something 🙂 right?

I cling to the creature comforts. We have electricity, a/c, water, food, internet, TV, phone, streaming services, and safety, we’re fortunate. I recall back when we lived through hurricanes and floods. We have survived and it’ll be okay again, eventually. My heart goes out to all those in need, struggling, in trauma, and in grief. There’s been one thing after another this year. We need a little break, please? Pretty please?

So I send out love and hope it invisibly makes things lighter and brighter somehow. I think of all the wonderful memories I have, when the kids were little, jumping waves in the ocean, chasing barefoot in the grass in the backyard, spraying each other with the hose, stomping in puddles, laughing and playing, sticky cheeked kisses, so adorable, what a gift, so many treasured memories and there will be more to come. This is another bumpy section of road through uncertain terrain, but we’ve got a sturdy car with a navigation system, so we have a fighting chance of arriving at our next destination. Yup.

This year has been one long stuck inside on a rainy day sort of year for me. It’ll be such a relief when we can go out and play in the sun with wild abandonment again. Aspirations.

Time to do my last round of exercises and then TV. We’re gonna watch Lovecraft Country and The Vow Nxivm, maybe Community too. Escapism, I’ll take it.