Trusting Me

One of the most important skills I’ve learned over the years is to trust myself. It’s something I had to relearn. As children, we are taught to defer to adults and trust what they show us, which is logical because children are still developing and can not navigate safely without care and guidance. Adults are our caretakers and we have to trust them in order to survive.

That doesn’t mean that the adults are always trustworthy or able to teach and nurture children healthily or appropriately, though. This can lead to codependency where there are skewed boundaries where we give our power away to others or to people with perceived authority. We learn to defer to those in power and obey them in order to maintain favor and avoid punishment at the sacrifice of ourselves.

In dysfunctional families, there can be parentification of the children, where the child is forced to take on the role of the adult further confusing boundaries. There can be a punitive unpredictable environment where there is emotional and physical abuse along with manipulative, coercive tactics which cause a person to lose all sense of what’s true, so there is nothing you can trust, not even yourself.

No-win situations and chaotic boundaries lead to learned helplessness. There can be a disconnect/dissociation from emotions for self-preservation to maintain attachment to abusive caretakers, or there can be excessive self-blame and shame because a child believes whatever their authority figures say and do. They internalize it all and it informs their identity. With faulty boundaries and disconnect from emotions, there is no way to know what’s real and true. Trust is broken from within and without. It becomes a traumatizing, depressing, anxiety-ridden, self-loathing living hell that you desperately wish to escape. This contributes to eating disorders, alcohol, and drug abuse, acting out behaviors/rebellion, or isolation, withdrawal, depression, and suicide attempts.

I didn’t begin to trust myself again until I began doing The Artist’s Way book in 2006. The children were both in elementary school by then and after I had some health scares over the recent years; I decided that something was wrong, that something had to change and quickly. I took some time and space for myself and began an inner journey that continues to this day.

Now when my inside (logical heart) speaks to me, I hear it loudly and clearly. It used to be lost in chaotic layers and was unduly influenced by the outside world and others. My boundaries were all over the place and it took years to put all the pieces back where they belonged, to reconnect with that loving voice of truth buried deep in my heart.

Finally, everything became synced up again, and as I reclaimed myself and my life, I built up trust in myself. The more I listened and acted from the voice of truth and my emotional guidance, the better my decisions, and the more empowered I became because it worked. I was no longer a willing puppet, no longer a confused, sad, fearful, easily manipulated, overly compassionate, codependent, doormat victim but a self-assured, peaceful, whole, reintegrated, strong, powerful being connected with her full magnitude and worth.

I discovered I was just as worthy and vital as anyone else and deserved to live the loving, peaceful, fulfilling, aligned life of my dreams. I deserved to be surrounded by supportive, respectful, honest, healthy, loving people, too. I began claiming what was best for me while also respecting and considering others, but careful not to sell myself short. It was difficult to make the changes, but I ultimately had to trust myself and be true to myself by unwaveringly doing what was right for me.

So even when I’ve been confused over the years, I’ve learned to make space to go within and figure it out, to listen to my logical heart, and follow its guidance. I trust myself now and it keeps me flowing along the path with the highest truth and alignment with love that always culminates in peace. I now have a zero-tolerance policy for needless drama in my life. Of course, drama in life is unavoidable because I am not omnipotent and can not totally control or avoid it, but I won’t stick around and engage with it if I don’t have to.

I’d say trusting myself is the only way to live a life that’s authentic, honest, truthful, loving, meaningful, and purposeful. It’s the key to a good life. The only way to trust yourself is to know yourself inside and out. Since we’re constantly growing and changing through our experiences, this is an ongoing commitment to take the time and space to go within, to stay connected with the real unadulterated you. I maintain a practice of journaling, soul searching, meditating, spending time in solitude, and quiet. I also keep learning, experimenting, and exploring to feel out the expanding edges of myself.

I view every experience as a chance to become a more wise, strong, integrated, expanded version of a better me. It’s all an opportunity to express more truth, and it empowers me even more because I’ve made it through the challenge and know more about the world and myself. It leads to an ever-deepening trust and awareness that no matter what happens, I can always count on myself. I’m always supported by the energy of love that is the driving force of it all and it’s always with me, never failing to shine through my logical heart and guiding me to my best destiny.