Begrudging Acceptance

The Logical Heart Knows Best

The sun was out today, no smoke, the fires in Colorado are more contained, so that’s something to be thankful for. My plants survived the snow mostly, yay. I read the news, and it’s heartbreaking. So many huge fires. It’s called compound disasters from human-caused climate change. There is no historical precedent in modern times. Sigh.

I finished listening to 3 books today and attended a webinar on narcissism. It’s been a low-key under-the-weather sort of day for me. Guess I shouldn’t have been play-fighting like Ip Man this week, lol. It’s hard not to let the state of the world get to me. Some days I let myself be bummed out and grieve, like today.

We were talking this morning about other places we could move to in case this area becomes uninhabitable soon because of fires and smoke. The unprecedented keeps occurring, so why not do some research to prepare for the unexpected, unpredictable changes on the horizon?

Every day I have to keep letting go and accepting the things I can not change or else let the heartbreak of it all consume me. It’s a process of continuous surrender and letting go. I can stay focused on what I can do at the moment and then find all the things to be thankful for. I welcome these soothing tributes of gratitude into my being and ground myself in the security of feeling deep love with each inhale and exhale. I look out at the beautiful blue sky, how it’s bright and shining out while a few states away, the fire rages, turning the sky dark with an eerie orange glow, an alien landscape unfolding uninvited. I pray it gets under control soon and that people escape safely.

I can’t pretend that it’s okay, that everything is happening for a reason, that it’s supposed to be, that there’s a divine plan. It’s not okay, tragedy and trauma never are. We can look back in hindsight and rationalize everything to find meaning to ease the pain, but at the moment, it’s absolutely devastating.

To be human is to feel it all, to break open so you can be there for one another in the bleakest of days. You know how it is to walk in another’s shoes because you’ve been there too. If you’re seizing life and step out of your ivory tower and into the thick of it, you will know sorrow and triumph. You will actually begin to understand what others who haven’t been so fortunate to be protected in an insular ivory tower go through as a matter of course in their lives.

You won’t be able to ignore, deny, dismiss, and invalidate what others go through so easily anymore. Some people can not understand trauma or empathize with others until it happens to them. That’s something that I don’t comprehend, how so many people are so self-absorbed and egocentric that they can’t empathize with others.

I end this post with a heavy heart because I’m human and I don’t want to pretend, deny or gloss it over with some spiritual bypassing, intellectualization, rationalization, compartmentalization, or minimalization. There are imbalances and abuses in the world which are reprehensible and there’s no justification for it, but here we all are paying the price. I wish I had the power and knew how to fix it, but I don’t, so I begrudgingly accept the impossible situations we find ourselves in this year of 2020. My heart goes out to everyone and I pray there will be relief soon.

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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