The Logical Heart Knows Best

Over this summer I’ve noticed I feel a sense of relief when the sun goes down. The tension eases because I’m not feeling the pull to go out and about. After dark, I’m not tempted to throw caution to the wind and overexert myself by succumbing to the desire for an extra-long nature walk in the sunshine or to go on an unnecessary, risky excursion. Before the week is out I will try again though and see how my body responds to a short nature walk, it’s been about a month since I last tried. I’m getting cabin fever, I feel all cooped up and need a change of scenery. The air quality has been okay so I will try again.

It’s really frustrating when your body becomes a dictator, lol. It’s rather humbling and it’s forced me to be okay with an extremely slowed down pace of life. It’s made me notice the things to be thankful for that are closer to home, it’s narrowed my focus to what’s in my immediate reach, kind of like a telescope zooming in and redefining the parameters of my existence. I’m picturing google maps satellite view in my brain now, where you zoom in closer and closer until you break through the trees, then drop the little yellow figure into the street view, then if you zoom in again…there, that’s where I am. My world has become more like how it was in childhood, where I didn’t have the autonomy to take off and go where I wanted when I wanted. I contented myself with what was right within my own backyard and kept myself amused with what was freely available, I used my imagination to give me adventure and freedom.

I guess that’s how it is for most of us right now if we’re being careful, our roaming parameters are more confined and our way and pace of life has changed. We’re having to adapt and readjust and as the year goes on the traditional markers and milestones are not the same, so it’s a bit disorienting and uncomfortable. Sometimes we feel like we’re missing out because we can’t do what we would usually do. We’re constantly having to get creative and improvise like never before. In a way, it can be intriguing and rewarding when we discover unexpected benefits as we persevere. As time goes on as we continue to make it through each twist and turn, the stronger and more committed we are to making it through to the other side of this challenging time. How good it will feel when we can roam free, socialize and enjoy one another again in person, hugs galore.

Today I felt like I was a miniature toy person in a dollhouse forlornly peering out on the real world through my window, wishing I was a real life-sized human running free in that huge wide playground, so close, but not for me, not today. Soon? I keep hoping.

The electricity just flicked off and on, twice. The internet is out now. I wonder if we’re having issues here, like in California? More adaptation. I’m so thankful for everything even if things are changing and they’re not what I’m used to. I’m thankful to be enjoying what we can right here and now. That little imp in my mind that is constantly nagging me to push myself, to hurry up, to just will myself to achieve, to make my dreams come true, to serve a higher purpose, well it’s on sabbatical, lmao. Oh good, the internet is back. We’re so fortunate. I’m just happy to do what I can when I can at whatever pace I can muster.

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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