Waiting to See

I’ve been freaking out a little about emails from unemployment asking about employers I worked for last year that are different from the job I got laid off from. So I went down a rabbit hole trying to research what that means and I still couldn’t understand it. I read about base claim employers, but don’t understand why they are asking questions about why I quit those jobs which are unrelated to the job I got laid off from and qualified for unemployment from? I don’t understand how it works and how that factors in. You know how you get anxious because you don’t know all the ins and outs of something because you’re not an expert, but you can’t find the relevant information to understand it fully, it’s frustrating, so you have to take a deep breath, let it go and wait and see.

That about sums up this year, take a deep breath, let it go, and wait to see what happens. Some moments I’m on pins and needles, it’s overwhelming, then the next I think, well what can I do about it? Not much a little voice answers inside my head, so I choose to refocus on the here and now. I choose to work on those things I do have control over like my thoughts, feelings, and actions. Sometimes the fear, anxiety, and emotions can grab hold, and that’s okay.

It’s normal and human to have these responses. I can let myself feel them and soon they pass, if not, I have ways to restore myself back to a more manageable state. I can shift my thoughts which help shift my feelings. I can deep breathe, meditate, listen to some soothing music. Journaling it out is one of my favorite ways to bring me back from the cliff’s edge.

If that doesn’t work, then maybe I need a change of scenery, a walk, or a distraction temporarily, like a funny video or TV show, maybe I can do something practical like a household chore, cooking/baking, take a long hot bath, have a warm beverage, or connect with loved ones.

I can do simple things that help me feel more in control momentarily which acts as a reset. I’m brought back to earth, feeling safe and sound. Then if I’m still struggling over long stretches of time, there’s always help, like counseling or therapists.

I’m finding creative activities to be highly therapeutic, that’s why I’m doing dancing, guitar, and drawing every day until the New Year for a total of 100 days. Plus this daily blogging. I wanted to tack on a daily walk too, but the air quality is too unpredictable. I stay indoors if it’s in an unhealthy range. I love singing, it’s always uplifting and cathartic, but I don’t do it very often because I don’t want to disturb the neighbors. These apartments aren’t soundproofed.

When my fears claw their way to the surface I tame them by remembering that so far I’ve made it through to now and it’s highly likely I will make it through whatever comes my way. I also remind myself that most of the things I’ve been afraid of haven’t come to pass, and worrying about it didn’t help me did it? So it’s an ongoing ebb and flow that is intrinsic to the human experience. I don’t believe I’ll ever be to the point where nothing phases me because then I wouldn’t be a fully functioning, connected, engaged, and compassionate human.

I have accepted the messiness of being human. There will always be difficult days where I have to sink in and be gentle, easy, just making it from moment to moment. While other times it will be thrilling and ecstatic for me and everything in between. I have to put it all in the perspective of it’s all temporary, every bit of it except the love that is the animating force that is all and connects with everything. Then I am home in my heart where all that matters is just doing my best and loving as best as I can. It’s an ever-unfolding surrendering, to be human.

I take a deep breath, let it go and wait to see.

Michelle Miyagi
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