The Lightest Timeline

I’ve been checking my phone first thing when I awaken in the morning and today it finally happened. What an epic relief. I didn’t expect to get so emotional about it, but I’ve been tearful with emotion many times today. I made sure to watch the speeches tonight and all I could think is please let it stay true, please nothing bad happen before January. Please let this darkest timeline end.

I’m hoping that the lightest timeline will emerge, wouldn’t that be a miracle. I continue to believe in possibilities forever the optimist knowing that we can surprise ourselves and redeem ourselves, it’s never too late.

I managed to rinse and recycle my hydration bottle plastic empties, did dishes, and cooked a little, then I was wiped out. Horizontal time again. I ate salad yesterday, it was a mistake. Ate more carefully today. I was craving comfort foods so did Zatarain’s red beans and rice mix added a can of low sodium red beans to it plus some bell pepper I had already prepped from before I got sick, it was quick and easy. I also made cornbread and steamed some spinach. I wanted mustard greens, but we don’t have any, so I substituted spinach. My stomach is still off. I still feel so bleh. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel normal?

I worked on unemployment stuff while horizontal. I watched High Maintenance. Had a bath. I will try listening to books or maybe reading if I have the patience. When I feel so bleh it’s hard to stay focused.

I keep apologizing to Drue for being sick because I think of how it must suck for him to watch me being sick, is that weird of me? I’ve felt that we’re socialized to not be burdens, to be stoic and self-sufficient, to keep a pleasant, inoffensive demeanor, to stay upbeat, light, and positive. But that’s not the truth and where does that leave us when we are sick, in need, and suffering?

Having low, sick, suffering, and depressing times come with every life. Why do we feel the impulse to hide and deny it? Why do we feel shameful when we express our weakness, sickness, and vulnerability? Because we don’t want to impose on anyone else, be a burden, or seem ungrateful. I can still be grateful for my life yet not be happy about being sick and I can be truthful that right now I feel godawful and don’t need to hide it. It’s only temporary, so no need to apologize. Before I know it, I’ll be back to my normal self and it’s just a little bump in the road that we all traverse.

It was nice seeing people celebrating on TV, but I kept worrying about them getting COVID. I’m such a mom. It’ll be such a relief when we make it out on the other side of this pandemic. I’m so hoping there will be coordinated mitigation come January.

I got a weighted hula hoop for my birthday, I can’t wait to feel better so I can try it out! I even imagined doing another I Can Do What I Want Challenge, lmao.

Now it’s time to crawl back in bed. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Make it so!

Michelle Miyagi
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