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The Logical Heart Knows Best

I love the blue gradations in the sky. I got to walk to the top of the hill today twice and on my way back I think I passed the person who has been stretching out under the sun on the hilltop. I was tromping down almost to the bottom and he was coming up the trail. We waved at one another and our eyes smiled like we shared a secret, we both enjoy the hilltop. Sweet.

I decided to take a break from working on the red tape today though the situation has been intruding on my thoughts and I remind myself that I have time to work on it deliberately and methodically, not everything has to be tackled all at once. My anxiety surrounding it is lessening. I’m more accepting of it and know that it will be done shortly, no biggie.

I was tired today from being so ambitious yesterday. I’m still not fully recovered from my last bout of illness. I sure do hope 2021 will be a healthier year for me, please make it so, may the odds be in my favor, lol. I’ve decided that if I get my daily blogging done, then I’m good. I did draw and practice guitar, even sang a song quietly today. I also cooked a big skillet of steamed veggies. I haven’t been eating daily salads, as usual, my digestive system is still off since having the stomach bug.

I have phone calls to make which I do not relish and I procrastinate. To keep me more on track I made a list of all the things I wish to do tomorrow because I’m in an avoidant pattern due to increased stress and anxiety over red tape. I’m not used to dealing with rigamarole anymore because I haven’t been interacting with very many people since March. When the world comes back after the pandemic will I be able to handle it? I’m so used to solitude, peace, and calm now. In the future, I will want to work from home if at all possible, or work in an environment where there is quiet and calm, like a library or a museum?

Having all of this quiet and tranquility has me re-evaluating my life prior to this pandemic. I’m realizing that a lot of what I encountered in my employment as a nurse was extremely stressful and traumatic. There were so many needs that were being unmet in the clients that it was overwhelming and heartbreaking because there was no way you as one person could make it right. No wonder I reached a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore and had to try something different. I was listening to a book and they mentioned compassion fatigue. I believe I had some of that as well.


In my future pursuits, I will choose environments that are not so impossible, where I will be able to feel like I am making a positive impact, where everyone is working as a team towards common goals. Where all are reverently cared for and respected. Where there are adequate resources to care for everyone instead of cutting corners so that the people on top reap the monetary rewards while the clients and employees suffer. I will not participate in such environments anymore if I can help it.

One of the phone calls I’ll be making tomorrow will be to access some counseling through my insurance. I think it would be helpful to get some feedback on what I can do to prevent compassion fatigue and get some objective insights on some questions I’ve been mulling over. To help me figure out what I need to work on so my future does not repeat my past.

I believe everyone would benefit from counseling/therapy. If it’s available and not cost-prohibitive, everyone would do well to access it. And if that’s not available then why not get some free coaching or counseling, there are so many people online that offer free introductory sessions, why not try? We all could use some extra help and support from time to time. Why not utilize it? I am and have done so in the past too. It’s always been beneficial.

I’ve procrastinated enough and will make phone calls tomorrow, meh 🙂 Time for me to do my last PT exercise and then snuggle down and watch The Handmaid’s Tale. That show makes me feel so fortunate to have this life even during this challenging year we still have so much to be grateful for. I’m thankful we haven’t totally fallen off the dystopian cliff.

Michelle Miyagi
Hi! I was an RN, BSN in mental/behavioral health for 27 years. Now I'm helping empower caring people like me to prioritize themselves by maintaining healthier boundaries for more freedom, peace, and joy. I am also active in Long Covid advocacy.

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