My Story 2010

Since a young age I’ve learned to be a caretaker/nurturer. My mother had bipolar disorder & my parents divorced when I was 6 years old. I being the eldest of 4 have always unconsciously filled that mother role. Being naturally empathic I tended to put others first trying to help them feel happy & losing sense of myself. Looking back I’d guess you could label it co-dependent behavior.

I had a tumultuous upbringing, I’ll forgo the details, but I had a dysfunctional family, in hindsight I can probably label accurately the types of personality disorders of my father & stepmother, but it doesn’t really matter, there’s a full spectrum of unproductive drama producing behaviors & there’s no way to pinpoint them all, ha!

I realize that after I broke free of that environment & began my adult life I went through years of PTSD/anxiety & depression of lessening degrees as time went on. I could’ve benefited from treatment/therapy, but I did not know that I was suffering then. It was all I knew so I could not see that I might need a little help?

I started my own family & continued to put myself last not knowing how to maintain adequate boundaries because of what I was shown & conditioned to believe throughout my early life. It took almost losing my vision to finally wake me up, to conclude that, hey, something is not right here if I was not caring for myself. I had to figure out & rectify this situation because if I was unable to heed what my body was telling me, then how could I really be there for anyone else? I was a mother now & above all I had to be there for my children.

I discovered that I didn’t really know myself, or what I wanted or needed because I was always trying to make everyone else happy by trying to fulfill what I perceived they wanted. I became whomever I thought my loved ones wanted me to be. I did not take time for myself. I knew that something had to give/change or else I may not be around much longer since I had so grievously ignored my vision problems.

So I began my quest for self discovery, to find my truth. What did I really want, desire & need in order to take care of myself. Why did this happen, what am I missing, how could this happen that I was so out of touch with me? That I would allow my physical health to be ignored, that I denied to care for my own well being?

I became determined, my family needed me.

I began to set aside time for myself, to separate myself, establishing boundaries, to be responsible for myself. I felt guilty in the beginning because there were other more materially productive things I could be doing, but I reminded myself that if I didn’t figure this out, I may not be around for long & then material things would be of no use, so I learned to let go.

I did the Artist’s Way book, I wrote in a journal, took time out to just do nothing. I read books that started changing my view, I was gradually recognizing healthy boundaries, that I had become disconnected from my emotions due to survival skills learned in the past. I had learned this so I would not react in illogical abusive situations in order to maintain my integrity, so I would not become like that, to keep my sanity I had to disconnect, disengage from that insanity to preserve my sense of reality.

I learned non-reactivity in an unseemly way. I also saw that the crazy makers were not “ bad,” they were just trying to make themselves feel better in the only way they knew, often repeating what they had been conditioned with in their past. I learned compassion in the most direct way because I did not succumb fully to the insanity I can see that it was beneficial for me to endure this environment, enabling me to have skills & insights which serve very well.

I learned acceptance & patience of insane behavior & have a high tolerance for difficult personalities & in this way I am able to offer love to those who are in the most need.

Through my quiet time in nature & by simplifying my life I began to reconnect with my inner being, I started allowing my emotions, I began to reconnect & feel again. I had become almost monastic in the simplicity of my life paring everything down, asking what really matters?

I let go of unproductive friendships( including my family of origin, no contact) & kept my work hours to part-time. I let go of anything that caused me any undo consternation if at all possible.

Yet something was still missing.

I asked why do I have this yearning, this emptiness. If this is all there is, how can I find acceptance & contentment, peace & happiness.

I was no longer in denial & had to face some harsh truths. Motherhood was the only area of my life in which I knew for sure I was on track, the rest needed work, ha!

Six years down the road in my search for self I had read Eckhart Tolle’s A new Earth & Martha Beck’s Steering by Starlight.

Over the years of practicing a quieter mind I gradually opened to the possibility of so much more going on than what we can perceive with our physical senses especially because of some inexplicable experiences.

I also had read Sylvia Browne’s work & many self-help books on abuse, boundaries, co-dependence,emotional eating, relationships & personality disorders. I also had asked for any loving energies to access my thoughts/feelings & help me find my way to more happiness, I did this as described in Sylvia Browne’s books. I reached the point where I asked directly for guidance in whatever form available to help me figure out what was missing, what do I need to work on, I surrendered. I had opened myself, was living as best I could “in the now” & even asked for guidance in dreams as Martha Beck had described.

I now know that I had been meditating, often doing it while walking in circles in my big backyard, I did not know it then. So my aim was not for a spiritual experience, I was just trying to find lasting happiness. I had also developed a keen sense of gratitude for everything I did have, for the love in my life, especially for my children. I saw that I had everything & was very fortunate in my life circumstances, yet I knew that something was missing.

Something completely unexpected happened for me. I still get all verklempt & brought to tears when I think about it. This happened June of 2008 & things have not been the same for me since.

I have always had vivid dreams & often remember them. In fact my PTSD manifested in nightmares, I had about ten years where during the night I would relive my past in my dreams & had a chance to fight back, cursing & yelling in my sleep(my poor husband), this helped me remain functional in the day & helped me get by without therapy LOL!

I had one precursor dream where I felt this warmth in my solar plexus then suffusing throughout me, a deep glow of love like I never experienced in a waking state, this happened sometime in the mid to late 1990’s. It was nothing compared to this “junkie’s dream” of 2008.

I had a whopper of a mystical experience, a dream in which this warmth started in my gut & expanded through me, filling me with an exquisite love beyond anything I’ve ever felt. It was like every good thing you’ve ever experienced amplified & magnified into infinity.

A love beyond measure, indescribable euphoria & bliss…better than sex, waaaaay better. I became one with everyone & everything, I was one with the universe… I felt I had come home & the light grew brighter as the warmth expanded through me connecting me with this big glow of love. I began to hear this “music” I can’t describe it, crystalline comes to mind & the light, there became nothing but unbelievably warm light.

I began to cry with joy & relief because I was finally home, I then awakened crying. It was too beautiful for words. That dream was more real than anything I had ever experienced, like this was the dream & that was what is real & true.

I felt like I had been to heaven for a brief instant.

Visually it was beautiful & idyllic, a nature scene from a Hayao Miyazaki anime. I was playing with 2 children my daughter’s age, putting ice down their shirts & running/laughing when another loved one appeared & I was holding on & hugging them for dear life.

This was mind blowing for me & synchronicities began happening, or at least I started to notice them more. I also had this healing. I thought that I loved myself & had forgiven, I became aware that I really had not & through this experience I was able to finally forgive myself & others & was loving myself & others in a way I could not know how to do prior. It was a purging of anger, blame & resentment, I was a victim no longer. I began to see everyone as innocent.

That we are all the same inside connected by love always. That we are never alone & we are eternal, brilliant, beautiful, worthy & loved beyond measure. We are one with this force of love in the true reality. We really can do no wrong because we never really die & always have a chance to choose love. It was as if a heavy weight was lifted, I saw the world with new eyes as in childhood when all things seem possible.

I had this zeal & energy unlike ever before, I was ignited…I felt like I had been jump started. Ideas began pouring through me & I began to look for validation & answers as to what exactly had happened.

I had this knowledge, like I was connected to something greater than me, words were flowing through me & I’d ask, is this really me? All of this spiritual esoteric type stuff consumed my thoughts & sometimes I felt so energized as if I’d burst, sometimes I still feel this way. I know it sounds crazy, but my energy started interfering with electrical devices. Don’t ask, ha! It’s like I made a leap, a shift in consciousness, a higher awareness.

In searching for myself I found the universe? I am still trying to digest everything & it has been mind blowing beyond belief.

It appears that we are different & we ARE physically…but really we are the same in spirit, we are just learning about different things & are at different legs on our journeys back to oneness.

I feel I have reconnected with the true vastness of myself in the eternal true reality & what I was missing was the “God” in me. I had walled off my heart without knowing it & now I am open to the flow of this universal love. It was the greatest gift & I only wish I could do more to help others lighten their heavy hearts.

I aim to leave a brighter path in my wake by always choosing the highest love in thought word & deed.

This is somewhat tricky for me because I am still making sense of boundaries, as in is this really loving of myself also, where do you draw the line when sometimes in order to do what is healthy for you, someone else may be hurt in the process? I am still struggling with this.

What I’ve come to know is that we all can choose either the path of fear(separation/ego) or the path of love (oneness/spirit).

I know I can create my own happiness from within no matter what the situation, but if given the choice why not choose to be surrounded by as much love as possible? Makes sense to me?

So I will be continuing on my quest on the lighter & friendlier path of love.

I am ever so thankful for my glimpse of home, that kiss of oneness & remain homesick.

So in order to find relief I try to make this place more like home by following that still small voice inside that connects me to my heart & source.

Some days it’s easier to hear than others, sometimes I am deaf, ha! But I always perk up my ears yet again & keep listening as best I can. I feel empowered now & feel that my dreams can come true, it’s only a matter of allowing the love to flow by surrendering & trusting that all is well always.

We are eternal all encompassing love & nothing can ever change that.I just want more of that to flow here in my physical experience, that bliss! Bliss me baby! Ha!

I have read all manner of books on the metaphysical, spiritual, quantum physics, afterlife,OBE/NDE, ESP, etc. trying to figure it out. I am currently reading A Course in Miracles & Gary Renard’s books about ACIM. I am also trying the LOA aspect with Abraham-Hicks works. Changing my thoughts has changed my reality & things have manifested in my physical experience directly related to my desires & intentions so I have seen this LOA in action. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I am insatiable in my quest & only want to fulfill my purpose here to the best of my ability. Keepin’ on keeping on…mind, body, heart & soul aligned in love is my goal. Here’s to infinite bliss for all!!! Yeah baby!!! 😀 XO