My Story 2019

This is where I am now…

April 10, 2019  at 8:37 PM

It was 77 degrees and sunny yesterday, people swimming, kids with squirt-guns…now it’s snowing and 21 degrees! I’m feeling lazy, just had red beans and rice, nom! Now drinking lemon-lavender tea and feeling like I wanna snuggle in and pretend it’s Christmas all over again 🙂

I’ve not worked as a nurse in 24 days. I’m working on transitioning careers by building an online business, following my “path with a heart” as Steve Pavlina calls it. I need space to have the energy to focus and create. I am trusting that by saying “no” to what I don’t want and “yes” to what I do want, it will help hasten this transition. I learned this from Steve who says that the universe operates under the principle of “As You Wish.”

I’m still working as a nurse, but trying to keep my hours to a minimum. I just applied for another job because the hours were dwindling at my other PRN job. “As You Wish” is not paying the bills yet 🙂 And I’m glad I had this time, because I needed to rest my injured foot, which in turn kept me close to home. I’ve been like a mad scientist researching and brainstorming, learning on Udemy, making progress on my path with a heart. Time has flown by, I love this! I want to keep doing this, yes! I go back to work Saturday and tentatively begin my new, additional job Tuesday. I’m saying yes to paying the bills 🙂

I mention Steve Pavlina because I wouldn’t be still trying if it weren’t for him and Conscious Growth Club. I found his blog in 2008 and the community in his forums helped me realize there were some amazing, aware, responsible, courageous people in the world who wanted to grow, learn, explore, evolve and change the world for the better. They’ve kept me inspired and offer such loving kindness, honest feedback and unconditional support. I joined CGC at its inception and I’ve been able to forge ahead closer than ever to what I’ve envisioned on my path with a heart.

I just re-read my story from 2010.  I was so energized, positive and self-assured then. I attended Steve’s Conscious Growth Workshop in October 2010. I turned 46 that weekend, it was also Halloween, so fun! We got to dress up in costumes and the Las Vegas strip was wild, it reminded me a bit of Mardi Gras. I met so many incredible people I knew from online, I’d been wanting to see in person. The conference gave me more clarity and resolve to make some scary changes in my life. I don’t believe I would’ve had the courage, if I hadn’t committed to that workshop. It kept me accountable. I had to be true. My logical heart was not a whisper anymore, but a loud command that I couldn’t ignore. I’d also had a reading from Erin Pavlina which affirmed that most difficult choice I made. I needed reassurance.

Love prevailed.

It’s a good thing I was so energized and optimistic because after that it was a bumpy ride, omg! I asked for a divorce before the conference and didn’t move out until 3 months later because I wanted to make it a smoother transition for the kids, how naïve I was! I won’t go into the sordid details, but it was shocking for me, the turn of events. I was hoping for the best, had convinced myself that everything would be amicable because it was too scary to think of the worst. And thankfully the worst didn’t happen, but it was not the best, that’s for damn sure!

I wanted everything to stay as stable, healthy as possible for the kids while also living what was loving of me too.

I worked a lot, I had to.

I did this while also blogging and researching. I tried SBI Sitesell, but eventually gave up, not enough time to invest in it. I also made videos with my then best friend about coping skills/spirituality. She was very supportive on our weekly lunches during those years, I remain grateful for that.

I’m also grateful for some of my beautiful former coworkers who helped me through confusing times.

I also began a new relationship, he’s now my husband and we went through traumatic issues in our relationship which gradually improved. (My brother Robert Johnson really helped me cope during that time, I’m forever thankful). We married in 2014. Things are good now, fingers crossed, lol.

In 2015 we drove our daughter up to college in New York, the beginning of the empty nest phase. It was and is hard to be so far away from her (and now our son, empty nest!)so thankful for Skype (when I was a kid I’d marvel that on Star Trek they could communicate on video, so incredible that science fiction comes true!) A few months later, I went on a cruise that my then best friend had invited me on because another friend had cancelled. Upon return I developed a balance disorder MdDS which I still have. Also our friendship abruptly ended. Was a difficult time.

All through these years I kept up as best I could with my healthy practices and personal development, but I had way too much on my plate. I often fell short.

All of the challenges I’d faced and the fallout began to catch up with me. I couldn’t keep working all the overtime and multiple jobs anymore. So we had to move/downsize in 2016. I began working regular hours. I chose my health, I had to, burn out was chasing my tail.

My husband had not been able to contribute fully to our household over the years due to anxiety and then he developed OCD which led to appropriate treatment and now he’s doing great! In the meantime I had a lot of debt from divorcing/legal issues and paying the bulk of the children’s expenses, plus I had to start over, rent a house, get furniture, etc. I did a gofundme to help pay tuition at one point and am so grateful for the people who helped! It was so much I did…I look back and don’t know how I managed and I see why I’ve needed extra rest, why I need to be patient and take care of me.

In May 2017 I joined CGC and it’s been so amazing!

In March 2018 I unexpectedly lost my nursing job I’d been in for 13 years. I cashed out my 401k so I could get some well deserved rest. I got a PRN job in the meantime before our big move. Since I was 19,  I’d been wanting to leave Louisiana. Our son graduated high school and we were no longer legally obligated to stay. In August we moved to Colorado!!! Our son stayed in Louisiana to attend college on a full scholarship.

It’s so beautiful here and there’s the big city Denver and nature galore! What’s been the biggest relief is being away from the drama of Louisiana. It’s so nice to not be afraid anymore. Every time my son’s stuff got dropped off or when he was picked up for our joint custody, I’d be anxious, fearful, hypervigilant. Not anymore! It’s such a relief!

Plus I have the most solitude that I’ve ever had in my life! My focus and energy is returning slowly, but surely.

Our finances are not such a burden anymore after doing bankruptcy in December. I had to choose my health. And now I will have more freedom to transition faster on my path with a heart.

I have navigated through so much since 2010. I have learned, gained clarity and grown stronger, wiser, more resilient with an ever-deepening love as I keep forgiving. I have a lot of first hand practical knowledge to share, along with a wellspring of empathy and compassion. I am grateful for where I am today although I’m a little frayed around the edges 🙂 Like the Velveteen Rabbit 🙂

I am seeing more and more that it’s not personal. People have their wounds and will heal when they’re willing. I will be there when that time comes. I want to help. I’m still healing too 🙂

Returning to trust and love, again and again by the way of forgiveness.

I will continue to keep an open mind, experiment, explore, make the difficult choices, live by my logical heart and share along the way in hopes that it may help others too.

Love and hugs y’all <3  <3 <3

Michelle